What is "dating" anyway?

Here is a deceptively simple-sounding question that many people get wrong: "What is dating?"

From dictionary.com:

"v. dat·ed, dat·ing, dates v. tr.
To mark or supply with a date: date a letter.
To determine the date of: date a fossil.
To betray the age of: Pictures of old cars date the book.
To go on a date or dates with" [emphasis supplied].

So, at a minimum, "dating" means to "go on a date or dates with" another. Wow - that is profound is it not? So, wait a minute - does that mean "dating" isn't the same thing as. say, a "relationship?" Well, relationships are another topic for another blog, but suffice it to say, people in relationships do go on dates, but it doesn't logically follow that everyone who goes on a date is automatically in a relationship.

You may ask, "What does a blog about 'Applied Truth & Interest' have to do with the proper definition of dating?" What wonderful question! Rather than redirecting you to my initial blog post, which covers the rather wide subject matter for this blog, which I call "ATI," suffice it to say that the Lord has truth for every subject, and it is my firm belief that the Church needs a strong does of truth on the subject of dating. To illustrate why, I am going to share a story with you, my plethora of readers...

My best friend is "single," but he periodically goes on dates with different women in hopes of, eventually, finding that one woman who will convince him to forever abandon bachelorhood. When he visits us from out of state, as he often does, my wife and I like to try to arrange a "date" for him with one or more Christian girls we know in the area. Why do we do this? First, because we are trying desperately to convince him to move to Georgia. Second, we do this because we believe that my friend is that rare sort of man who will actually make a good and Godly husband for his wife, when the time comes. We think our great female friends deserve a shot at an honest, hard-working, fashionable, and extremely intelligent friend, who we love like a blood brother. We also want to see our friends happy. After all, God himself saw that it is not good for man to be alone (Gen 2:18).

This sounds like a great idea, but here's the catch: modern Christian "religion" has come out very strongly against "dating." Illustration: on my friend's last visit (yes - I am intentionally avoiding the use of his name), my wife attempted to arrange a date with two different girls she knows. Both of these girls are, to the best of my knowledge, the real deal: single, avid lovers of Christ. One girl jumped at the opportunity (kudos to her). The other, however, said something very silly to my wife that I have been hearing more and more from other Christians in the past few years - Christians who are otherwise sensible, intelligent people.

The second girl, however, told my wife that, "I have never been on a date before, and I am very proud of that. I am waiting." Waiting for what? I don't know. I hope she is waiting for God to send the right man her way, which at least demonstrates that she has a rational grasp of what it is that she wants in life. Unfortunately, she has absolutely no idea of what she would do if God were to deliver that man to her doorstep tomorrow, because she has never been on a date...

Perhaps more to the point, this young woman was proud of her naivete. She was proud that she had no practical experience relating to men as potential suitors! If tomorrow God sent a genuinely great man to her doorstep, what would she do? Say this great man is truly the "one" that God has in store for her - what next? If they are destined to be married, I hate to disappoint, but odds are any decent guy is going to want to start small and go on a date before dashing to the altar and exchanging rings.

I credit a large part of the silliness surrounding dating to a very kind-hearted, well-intentioned man named Joshua Harris (check his entry out on Wikepdia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joshua_Harris). Please make no mistake, I am not attacking this dedicated man of God. However, his book, "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye," has sold over a million copies. His other book, "Boy Meets Girl," was also a hit (I myself was once given a copy of it by an ex-girlfriend shortly after breaking up with her). However, sometimes I think that all Christians ever read of Mr. Harris' book are the titles. Josh Harris never suggested that Christians avoid dating; rather, he wrote about a suggested, alternative approach, which he calls "courtship." I call it semantics, and I believe that "courting" is, essentially, "dating." What he did correctly was suggest that dating should be done from a Christian perspective, with goals and approaches that honor and glorify God.

Mr. Harris' mistake was in trusting people to read more than the front cover of a book. The title, "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye," when used by a Christian author, misleadingly implies that dating, in any form, is unbiblical or even sinful. Of course, a mere glance at Mr. Harris' quotes on the Wikipedia page for "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye"
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Kissed_Dating_Goodbye) reveals that was not his intention. He was trying to help believers who have suffered the pains of secular dating find a Biblical alternative.

Here's the point: introducing the Bible to any situation is a positive approach. However, to suggest that there is a pain-free approach to dating is not Biblical. There is no such thing as a life with out pain or disappointment. There is a life of hope, however, that the Lord will NEVER leave you nor forsake you (see the latter half of Heb 13:5).

Jeremiah 32:17 proclaims, "O Sovereign Lord! You have made the heavens and earth by Your great power. Nothing is too hard for You!" How many of you believe that "nothing" includes guiding you safely through dating and relationships to marriage? How many are willing to believe that God will ease their suffering at rejection or disappointment?

Some of you aren't there yet, though. Like the girl from my story, you are "waiting." What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for God to do all the work for you? Maybe he will, but Ruth didn't bet on that. Read the 3rd chapter of the book of Ruth: when Ruth received a word of God-inspired counsel from Naomi, her mother-in-law from a deceased husband, Ruth seized it. Naomi saw that Ruth desired Boaz, so what was Naomi's advice? Check it out:

"Wash therefore and anoint yourself, and put on your cloak and go down to the threshing floor, but do not make yourself known to the man until he has finished eating and drinking. But when he lies down, observe the place where he lies. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down, and he will tell you what to do" (Ruth 3:3-4).

Ruth didn't just wait for God to do all the work for her. She accepted wise, Godly counsel, and trusted the Lord to walk with her as she followed through with Naomi's instructions. What happened? "At midnight the man was startled and turned over, and behold, a woman lay at his feet! He said, 'Who are you?' And she answered, 'I am Ruth, your servant'" (Ruth 3:8-9). Boaz told Ruth not to fear (3:11), and the next several passages reveal the story of their marriage and Ruth's redemption (another topic for another blog).

Naomi told Ruth to stop waiting and go to Boaz. She didn't tell Ruth to wait for God to deliver Boaz directly to the altar. Would God have just dropped Boaz in Ruth's lap had she not seized the moment and followed Naomi's advice?

I obviously don't know for certain what might have been, but I believe that God often uses means other than outright miracles to act. In this story, the Lord used Naomi, who encouraged Ruth to actively pursue Boaz (see Ruth 3:1-2). Obviously, this was well with the Lord, because from this union came Obed, then Jesse, and, then, David. That's right: without Ruth's willingness to approach a man, there would have been no David. Can you imagine the Bible without David the King, father of Solomon?

Lets not overstate the case, though. Every marriage does not result in the birth of a critical world leader, but I do believe that God has a plan for each of us. You will be hard-pressed to find many examples in the Bible of God acting without any participation from man. There are miracles, yes, but even with the parting of the Red Sea, God required some minimal participation from Moses in extending his staff (Exodus 14:16). Both Jonah and Elijah fled from tasks appointed them by the Lord, but the Lord would not act without them. Whatever else you might believe about God's plan, he has a role for us to play in it. Certainly, the Lord does not need our participation, but he obviously desires it.

So what does all this have to do with dating? "Dating," for purposes of the advice I am about to give, means "to go on dates," which simply means spending time with and getting to know someone of the opposite sex. Like Josh Harris, I encourage you to approach dating from a Biblical perspective and to put God's goals for dating, relationships, and marriage before your own, selfish desires.

Good advice on dating and relationships, for some reason, is a difficult thing for Christians to find. In my own dating experience, before getting married, I learned for myself that Christian advice on how to date (rather than how to avoid it), is in very short supply. My advice, and this comes from experience, is to always trust the Lord, and to always be bold like Ruth.

Granted, Ruth didn't have to look long for Boaz, but then she got really good advice didn't she? Naomi didn't play around - she told Ruth to go lay at a man's feet when he's in a good, rested mood. When I was single, that would have worked on me ;)

Get the best advice you can on dating. It may not be mine: talk to your pastor. Show him this blog entry, and ask him what he thinks. All I am advising with this post is this: don't stick your head in the mud and expect God to deliver the love of your life to your doorstep, hog-tied, and bearing an engagement ring. Instead, consider going on a date. Whether you are a man or a woman reading this, if you aren't willing to invite someone on a date, then at least be willing to say "yes" when asked. If you don't do the asking, then you'll obviously be limited to choosing from those who ask you.

Also consider that "dating" doesn't necessarily mean relationships or require any sexual immorality. It means meeting someone and getting to know him or her better, with the assumption that there is the potential (but not a guarantee) for something more later on. Sometimes the 1st date is the last one you will ever go on, but for most people it takes a little more than that. Consider, however, that you will ideally only marry one of the people you date, so don't go in expecting every date (or every relationship for that matter) to lead to marital bliss. That is setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment.

Instead, I encourage you to see dating as a chance to have some fun with someone while getting to know him/her better. Breathe easy, because you know upfront that the odds are against any given date being the one that leads to marriage, or even a relationship/commitment. Why would you expect that before you've even had a first date? There's a good chance you will be the one who doesn't want to go any further than date #1. Ergo, I am recommending that you remove the pressure by adjusting your expectations to a more realistic level.

If dating were gardening, then go on the date, have fun, and think of it as a seed planted. Don't plant just one seed, don't sit and obsess over the seed or wait on it to grow, and don't get mad at the seed if it never grows at all. All we can do is plant our seeds, water and feed them, then leave it to God to decide which seeds grow and how much. After we've done our part, we can rest easy knowing that the rest is in God's capable hands. Remember, this is the God that never leaves nor forsakes you.

I planted a few seeds in my time. I dated a lot, had a few relationships, and got engaged twice. I got married once. I believe now, looking back, that through those past dates, relationships, and through the one engagement that didn't result in marriage, God taught me things in each of those situations - things that he wanted me to learn before I could be a good husband to one of His daughters.

Don't be arrogant. We all need to learn things about relating to the opposite sex before we get married, some of us more than others. Dating is a tool. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, does it make sense to curse the hammer? Okay, so some of us have done that. Still, it makes no sense to condemn dating because we get hurt doing it. Ultimately, the pain has less to do with "dating" and more to do with the people involved.

And, if anyone reading this blog is a single Christian girl in need of a date, I have this great friend...



UPDATE (9/2009): an in-depth reply to the in-depth comment of Jessica below may be found here.