Many people oppose the concept of dating because of the likelihood of heartache and pain it can cause. Often, people think that they will regret all their dating experiences later in life, after and perhaps even before they actually get married.
In my life, I've certainly had cause to regret things that happened while I was dating. However, when I really take a look at what I regret, it's not the fact that I dated a particular person (except when she was not a Christian). What I regret are my own actions -- actions that were sinful, regardless of the context. Dating certainly provides special opportunities to "fall short of the glory of God," but so do most other activities in our lives.
More recently, as I've made more effort to submit this area of my life to the Lord, I've had experiences that I can look back on fondly. I've had the opportunity to enjoy time spent with women, and even after parting company I can see that it was the right thing and I don't feel regretful over that time.
It's difficult to shake the mindset that every time we break up or stop seeing someone, we have somehow failed. But the Lord has much to teach us, and sometimes He brings us together with someone to learn from them, either about others or ourselves. With this in mind, the most important thing is to date in a lighthearted spirit, enjoying the opportunity to get to know another creature precious to God. Perhaps He will guide you to share your lives, perhaps not; but in all, He is in control. Make sure that everything you do while with that person is pleasing to Him, and there will be no need for regret.
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Guarding your heart: it doesn't mean what you might think it means...
The following paragraphs are excerpts from a book I am writing, priumarily discussing dating, courting, and relationships from a Christian perspective. Indirectly, I touch on the issue of "guarding your heart," which is, perhaps, the finest example of Biblical misinterpretation one could find. I tthought that they might find a nice home here in this blog about truth.
The phrase “guard your heart,” while Biblical in its origins, provides a hint of truth upon which Satan has forged numerous lies concerning ourselves and how we relate to others. Certainly, Jesus (who is himself the Word of God), never advised use to hide from the world to guard our hearts. In fact he commanded us to go out into the world and bring the light to it (see Matt 28:18-19, the “Great Commission”).
I believe that the phrase “guard your heart,” much like the phrase “don’t settle,” is a tired and lonely expression that damages Christian relationships today. Quite frankly, this scripture has nothing to do with dating or relationships, and it is taken out of context more often than any other scripture with which I am familiar. Churches have been using this phrase, for years, to advise young men and women from engaging in activities that might cause hurt feelings, with dating being the chiefly prohibited activity.
Proverbs chapter four is a message from a father to his son concerning the need to get wisdom and live a life of light without straying from the path of righteousness and into a wilderness of evil. Verse 23, in the ESV, says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” However, in the (less literal) NIV translation, it reads, “Above everything else, guard your heart. It is where your life comes from.”
This is great advice, but it is not advising Christians to hide from situations where our feelings might get hurt, and neither does it justify hiding from people we think might hurt us. It is certainly not attacking dating, courting, or relationships. The goal is to live our lives Biblically in those situations, to guard our hearts FROM EVIL and SIN. Even in the NIV, which is a less than literal translation (and therefore a less desirable translation in my opinion), the purpose for which this father advised his son to “guard your heart” can be concretely discerned by examining the verses that immediately follow. Here it is, in more detail:
“Above everything else, guard your heart. It is where your life comes from. Don't speak with twisted words. Keep evil talk away from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead. Keep looking right in front of you. Make level paths for your feet to walk on. Only go on ways that are firm. Don't turn to the right or left. Keep your feet from the path of evil” (Prov 4:23-27, NIV) (emphasis supplied).
What wonderful advice this is, and what a shame it is that so many misuse this chapter to advance agendas other than what the inspired author intended. No one will argue the merits of the author’s words, but he was not advising us to avoid interacting with the opposite sex or to hide in a hole from the things in this world that might hurt our feelings.
Christianity merits boldness, not fear. In fact, our slogan should be: "Fear not!" Remember 2 Timothy 1:7:, "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." The Bible, in advising us to vigilantly keep our hearts (guard them) is referring to protecting them from sin, not from emotional suffering. In fact, to do God's work, sometimes we have to risk heartache. That's part and parcel of being bearers of the truth.
The phrase “guard your heart,” while Biblical in its origins, provides a hint of truth upon which Satan has forged numerous lies concerning ourselves and how we relate to others. Certainly, Jesus (who is himself the Word of God), never advised use to hide from the world to guard our hearts. In fact he commanded us to go out into the world and bring the light to it (see Matt 28:18-19, the “Great Commission”).
I believe that the phrase “guard your heart,” much like the phrase “don’t settle,” is a tired and lonely expression that damages Christian relationships today. Quite frankly, this scripture has nothing to do with dating or relationships, and it is taken out of context more often than any other scripture with which I am familiar. Churches have been using this phrase, for years, to advise young men and women from engaging in activities that might cause hurt feelings, with dating being the chiefly prohibited activity.
Proverbs chapter four is a message from a father to his son concerning the need to get wisdom and live a life of light without straying from the path of righteousness and into a wilderness of evil. Verse 23, in the ESV, says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” However, in the (less literal) NIV translation, it reads, “Above everything else, guard your heart. It is where your life comes from.”
This is great advice, but it is not advising Christians to hide from situations where our feelings might get hurt, and neither does it justify hiding from people we think might hurt us. It is certainly not attacking dating, courting, or relationships. The goal is to live our lives Biblically in those situations, to guard our hearts FROM EVIL and SIN. Even in the NIV, which is a less than literal translation (and therefore a less desirable translation in my opinion), the purpose for which this father advised his son to “guard your heart” can be concretely discerned by examining the verses that immediately follow. Here it is, in more detail:
“Above everything else, guard your heart. It is where your life comes from. Don't speak with twisted words. Keep evil talk away from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead. Keep looking right in front of you. Make level paths for your feet to walk on. Only go on ways that are firm. Don't turn to the right or left. Keep your feet from the path of evil” (Prov 4:23-27, NIV) (emphasis supplied).
What wonderful advice this is, and what a shame it is that so many misuse this chapter to advance agendas other than what the inspired author intended. No one will argue the merits of the author’s words, but he was not advising us to avoid interacting with the opposite sex or to hide in a hole from the things in this world that might hurt our feelings.
Christianity merits boldness, not fear. In fact, our slogan should be: "Fear not!" Remember 2 Timothy 1:7:, "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." The Bible, in advising us to vigilantly keep our hearts (guard them) is referring to protecting them from sin, not from emotional suffering. In fact, to do God's work, sometimes we have to risk heartache. That's part and parcel of being bearers of the truth.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
A date with my wife.
Not to belabor the subject of dating, but I want to encourage all those men out there whose whose wives are nagging them for more "dates." Lesson learned: it doesn't matter so much what you do, so long as you plan it for them and make it fun.
I like to read, so I took my wife out for fast food and a trip to the bookstore across the street. We drank overpriced coffee and read in each others' presence. I even read to her a bit from one of my favorite detective novels. She had a good time, and so did I. It wasn't a horribly trying experience, even if I usually prefer to rest after getting home from work, and I actually think I enjoyed it.
The point: consider planning a date to do something with your wife that YOU BOTH will enjoy (she won't be happy if you're whining all night about how boring it was). It can be win-win if you have a good time and if she is satisfied. It is also a lot better to make the small effort than to have a sad or bored wife. Depression and boredom breed nagging, so nip it in the bud: take her out.
I like to read, so I took my wife out for fast food and a trip to the bookstore across the street. We drank overpriced coffee and read in each others' presence. I even read to her a bit from one of my favorite detective novels. She had a good time, and so did I. It wasn't a horribly trying experience, even if I usually prefer to rest after getting home from work, and I actually think I enjoyed it.
The point: consider planning a date to do something with your wife that YOU BOTH will enjoy (she won't be happy if you're whining all night about how boring it was). It can be win-win if you have a good time and if she is satisfied. It is also a lot better to make the small effort than to have a sad or bored wife. Depression and boredom breed nagging, so nip it in the bud: take her out.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Dating revisited: a testimony of post-marriage benefits, coping with heartache, and sowing your efforts.
Many of you know that I am now married. Ironically, "dating" is never far from my mind. That may seem odd, but let me explain.
Living with a member of the opposite sex is difficult. For all the feminist garbage out there trying to make people believe that men and women are the same creation, the truth is that men and women, while of equal value to the Lord and the world, are vastly different creations, that think in vastly different ways. The most difficult part of being married, for me, has been learning to communicate effectively with my wife and in learning to cope with the reality that, as a woman, my wife has needs that I do not have.
To resolve these marital difficulties, I draw heavily upon my experiences in dating. I cannot tell you how useful even my failures in dating have been. As an example, I will share with you that many of my relationships ended because I got tired of listening to a woman whine about her problems while ignoring my practical advice for potential solutions. After a while, I realized that all women need release their emotional build-up, and they desire a patient, listening ear to assist them in getting that release.
My experience with dating and relationships taught me to see "venting" as more than just "whining." True, eventually venting becomes whining, but there is a time to suggest potential solutions to a women that is hurting, and there is a time to shut up and let her get something off her chest. This is an insight that has really been useful to me in marriage. I gained many other insights in dating that I use to understand and to "decode" my wife's words and behaviors.
I don't know if people really appreciate just how foreign women are to men, and vice versa. She says, "Is your breakfast okay," and she means, "Do you appreciate that I made you breakfast?" He says, "I liked your hair better when it was long," and she hears, "You're ugly." Neither is really understanding the other. We try so hard to understand members of the opposite sex based on our own way of thinking, but dating helped me realize the differences that reveal what is really going on in her mind.
Remember, dating, for purposes of this blog, is just the process of spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex. See the official ATI definition here. Suffice it to say, I am not suggesting that people date to practice the sort of physical intimacy that is Biblically reserved for marriage, and I encourage you all to abstain from sexual immorality. You cannot, however, learn about how to effectively interact and communicate with the opposite sex, one-on-one, in group settings. People behave differently in crowds than they do one-on-one. Protocol and good manners require different conduct in group conversations, for instance, versus one-on-one conversations. For those not willing to engage in one-on-one dating, you might consider group dating.
I don't see much difference between group activities and group dating except that, with group dating, there is an understanding that people are attending in pairs our couples. That understanding fosters and environment where people can pair off in separate conversations without being rude to the others that are being excluded, while retaining the accountability of a group presence. It's hard to go "too far" when you're with a group of Christian friends. As a side note, I don't advise Christians to date, or even group date, non-believers. For one thing, doing so is counter-productive (even if it goes really well, do you want to commit to someone with no faith in the Lord?).
An understood "group date" also means that no one is left alone. On a group date, everyone has someone else to focus on, and no one ends up being the "loser" or "third wheel." Especially for men, I know it is painful and discouraging to be alone in a group setting where you are the only guy not connecting with one of the ladies. I'd wager women feel the same way, but I can't really say. Even when I was making good connections with women in a group setting, it was always hard to watch a buddy sitting by on the sidelines, ignored. On a group date, everyone (ideally) knows who they are "with." That avoids a lot of unnecessary heartache.
At any rate, I promise that those of you who do date, even if it is a painful experience, will find that experience to be of great value, especially when you are married. I always say that, "Ideally, only one date ever leads to marriage." That means every date that fails to go anywhere brings you one step closer to the one that does!
I dated a lot before I met my wife in 2006, and when I met her we didn't immediately get married. In fact, I dated many other women after meeting her, and I even got engaged once before we reconnected in 2008. My engagement fell apart, but rather than despairing, I decided to "get back on the horse" and start dating again after a month or so of solitary time with the Lord. My engagement was broken around late January, 2008. I started dating again in March that same year, after realizing that I couldn't let despair and depression rule me forever, even after losing a very close relationship with a woman I loved. The human heart has a tremendous capacity for love, though, and that capacity is rarely used 100%.
For those of you who are bitter with dating, courting, relationships, or failures with the opposite sex generally, let me encourage you: just when you think you've fallen off a cliff, when things seem as though they cannot get any worse, that is the time to act! God LOVES to see His children pick themselves up and move forward in the faith and security that He is with them. If you fall down, then pick yourself up, because in those most disabling, painful moments of our life, when we have done all that we can think to do to no success, when we realize finally that we cannot do it alone, that is when God moves.
The months of January and February of 2008 were among the most painful in my entire life. My heart was shattered, and I felt at times as though my existence was utterly devoid of meaning and value - Jehovah God begged to differ. As I prayed through my pain and studied the Word, I begged God to either: (a) heal my broken heart and immediately send me a loving wife to end my loneliness; or (b) to bring me to be with Him in Heaven. God chose option "C," which is His prerogative.
The Lord doesn't have to answer prayers, but He does. The thing is, the Lord isn't bound or required to answer our prayers in the way(s) that we think He should. The Lord spoke to me in many ways during that darkest of hours, when I was hiding alone at home from the entire world, but the message was clear: "GET UP" and "GO NOW."
God is a loving, heavenly parent. Sometimes His love is tough. I asked God, in my despair, to solve my situation for me. God impressed it upon my heart that: (1) He had not abandoned me; (2) He loved me; (3) He appreciated my efforts in seeking a spouse; and (4) that my work in this area was not finished - there was a bit more left to do before my work was done.
The Lord didn't promise to drop Mrs. Right in my lap, especially if I continued to despair, grovel, and do nothing to pursue her. That's Biblical, by the way: prolonged despair and depression are not befitting a Christian, and they demonstrate a lack of faith (though that is an entire blog entry of its own). Instead, God wanted me to show continued faith by exerting further effort, which He blessed immensely. I reluctantly left my house one Wednesday night and went back to the singles group at church, began chatting again on Facebook, etc.
Inside of a week of leaving "my hole," I was asked out on a date by a nice girl (talk about Naomi-and-Ruth-style courage on her part). We went on two dates that never went anywhere, really (she and I just had differnet goals). Then I scheduled a date with a nice girl from my church. That date never happened because my wife-to-be flew in from out of state that same week to visit mutual friends. I seized the moment to ask her out to dinner, and I was never single again. We met in March, and we were married in August of 2008 (yes - we just had ourone-year anniversary, thank you).
I kept on knocking at the door, and, after years of dating, God opened one. Now I have friends who envy my amazing wife who is faithful, beautiful, artistic, classy, sensitive, supportive, and who makes me breakfast every single morning, even though I never asked. That last part still blows my mind. I never used to eat breakfast when I was single, but what man turns down the world's greatest sausage-egg-cheese muffins?
You reap what you sow, so I urge you all to plant as many seeds as you can in this area. Next to your relationship with God, marriage is the single-most important relationship/commitment that you, as a Christian, will ever make. Whether it is dating, group dating, courtship, or something else: get moving! Eternity in Heaven is promised to us, but eternity on Earth is not, so time here is limited. If you don't want to be alone in this life, then start making plans now to meet the man or woman you will one day marry. You may meet and marry someone with very little effort, or (like with me) it may take a lot, but some effort is necessary, and the more effort you sow before you are married, the more benefits you will reap afterwards.
God loves you, and unless He told you to spend your life alone, it's not His plan for your life (Gen 2:18). God doesn't want you to be lonely, but He may need you to learn some things before He blesses you with a loving spouse. I know that, being hard-headed, God used dating as an opportunity to teach me, through multiple failures, how to be a husband worthy of the wife He wanted to bless me with. Praise to God for not answering my prayer before I was ready to receive the blessing! My wife would have hated the man I was before I learned these things, but thanks to God's wisdom and timing, I am a different man now than I was.
I pray that you all find the happiness in marriage that I am so blessed with. Praise God!
Living with a member of the opposite sex is difficult. For all the feminist garbage out there trying to make people believe that men and women are the same creation, the truth is that men and women, while of equal value to the Lord and the world, are vastly different creations, that think in vastly different ways. The most difficult part of being married, for me, has been learning to communicate effectively with my wife and in learning to cope with the reality that, as a woman, my wife has needs that I do not have.
To resolve these marital difficulties, I draw heavily upon my experiences in dating. I cannot tell you how useful even my failures in dating have been. As an example, I will share with you that many of my relationships ended because I got tired of listening to a woman whine about her problems while ignoring my practical advice for potential solutions. After a while, I realized that all women need release their emotional build-up, and they desire a patient, listening ear to assist them in getting that release.
My experience with dating and relationships taught me to see "venting" as more than just "whining." True, eventually venting becomes whining, but there is a time to suggest potential solutions to a women that is hurting, and there is a time to shut up and let her get something off her chest. This is an insight that has really been useful to me in marriage. I gained many other insights in dating that I use to understand and to "decode" my wife's words and behaviors.
I don't know if people really appreciate just how foreign women are to men, and vice versa. She says, "Is your breakfast okay," and she means, "Do you appreciate that I made you breakfast?" He says, "I liked your hair better when it was long," and she hears, "You're ugly." Neither is really understanding the other. We try so hard to understand members of the opposite sex based on our own way of thinking, but dating helped me realize the differences that reveal what is really going on in her mind.
Remember, dating, for purposes of this blog, is just the process of spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex. See the official ATI definition here. Suffice it to say, I am not suggesting that people date to practice the sort of physical intimacy that is Biblically reserved for marriage, and I encourage you all to abstain from sexual immorality. You cannot, however, learn about how to effectively interact and communicate with the opposite sex, one-on-one, in group settings. People behave differently in crowds than they do one-on-one. Protocol and good manners require different conduct in group conversations, for instance, versus one-on-one conversations. For those not willing to engage in one-on-one dating, you might consider group dating.
I don't see much difference between group activities and group dating except that, with group dating, there is an understanding that people are attending in pairs our couples. That understanding fosters and environment where people can pair off in separate conversations without being rude to the others that are being excluded, while retaining the accountability of a group presence. It's hard to go "too far" when you're with a group of Christian friends. As a side note, I don't advise Christians to date, or even group date, non-believers. For one thing, doing so is counter-productive (even if it goes really well, do you want to commit to someone with no faith in the Lord?).
An understood "group date" also means that no one is left alone. On a group date, everyone has someone else to focus on, and no one ends up being the "loser" or "third wheel." Especially for men, I know it is painful and discouraging to be alone in a group setting where you are the only guy not connecting with one of the ladies. I'd wager women feel the same way, but I can't really say. Even when I was making good connections with women in a group setting, it was always hard to watch a buddy sitting by on the sidelines, ignored. On a group date, everyone (ideally) knows who they are "with." That avoids a lot of unnecessary heartache.
At any rate, I promise that those of you who do date, even if it is a painful experience, will find that experience to be of great value, especially when you are married. I always say that, "Ideally, only one date ever leads to marriage." That means every date that fails to go anywhere brings you one step closer to the one that does!
I dated a lot before I met my wife in 2006, and when I met her we didn't immediately get married. In fact, I dated many other women after meeting her, and I even got engaged once before we reconnected in 2008. My engagement fell apart, but rather than despairing, I decided to "get back on the horse" and start dating again after a month or so of solitary time with the Lord. My engagement was broken around late January, 2008. I started dating again in March that same year, after realizing that I couldn't let despair and depression rule me forever, even after losing a very close relationship with a woman I loved. The human heart has a tremendous capacity for love, though, and that capacity is rarely used 100%.
For those of you who are bitter with dating, courting, relationships, or failures with the opposite sex generally, let me encourage you: just when you think you've fallen off a cliff, when things seem as though they cannot get any worse, that is the time to act! God LOVES to see His children pick themselves up and move forward in the faith and security that He is with them. If you fall down, then pick yourself up, because in those most disabling, painful moments of our life, when we have done all that we can think to do to no success, when we realize finally that we cannot do it alone, that is when God moves.
The months of January and February of 2008 were among the most painful in my entire life. My heart was shattered, and I felt at times as though my existence was utterly devoid of meaning and value - Jehovah God begged to differ. As I prayed through my pain and studied the Word, I begged God to either: (a) heal my broken heart and immediately send me a loving wife to end my loneliness; or (b) to bring me to be with Him in Heaven. God chose option "C," which is His prerogative.
The Lord doesn't have to answer prayers, but He does. The thing is, the Lord isn't bound or required to answer our prayers in the way(s) that we think He should. The Lord spoke to me in many ways during that darkest of hours, when I was hiding alone at home from the entire world, but the message was clear: "GET UP" and "GO NOW."
God is a loving, heavenly parent. Sometimes His love is tough. I asked God, in my despair, to solve my situation for me. God impressed it upon my heart that: (1) He had not abandoned me; (2) He loved me; (3) He appreciated my efforts in seeking a spouse; and (4) that my work in this area was not finished - there was a bit more left to do before my work was done.
The Lord didn't promise to drop Mrs. Right in my lap, especially if I continued to despair, grovel, and do nothing to pursue her. That's Biblical, by the way: prolonged despair and depression are not befitting a Christian, and they demonstrate a lack of faith (though that is an entire blog entry of its own). Instead, God wanted me to show continued faith by exerting further effort, which He blessed immensely. I reluctantly left my house one Wednesday night and went back to the singles group at church, began chatting again on Facebook, etc.
Inside of a week of leaving "my hole," I was asked out on a date by a nice girl (talk about Naomi-and-Ruth-style courage on her part). We went on two dates that never went anywhere, really (she and I just had differnet goals). Then I scheduled a date with a nice girl from my church. That date never happened because my wife-to-be flew in from out of state that same week to visit mutual friends. I seized the moment to ask her out to dinner, and I was never single again. We met in March, and we were married in August of 2008 (yes - we just had ourone-year anniversary, thank you).
I kept on knocking at the door, and, after years of dating, God opened one. Now I have friends who envy my amazing wife who is faithful, beautiful, artistic, classy, sensitive, supportive, and who makes me breakfast every single morning, even though I never asked. That last part still blows my mind. I never used to eat breakfast when I was single, but what man turns down the world's greatest sausage-egg-cheese muffins?
You reap what you sow, so I urge you all to plant as many seeds as you can in this area. Next to your relationship with God, marriage is the single-most important relationship/commitment that you, as a Christian, will ever make. Whether it is dating, group dating, courtship, or something else: get moving! Eternity in Heaven is promised to us, but eternity on Earth is not, so time here is limited. If you don't want to be alone in this life, then start making plans now to meet the man or woman you will one day marry. You may meet and marry someone with very little effort, or (like with me) it may take a lot, but some effort is necessary, and the more effort you sow before you are married, the more benefits you will reap afterwards.
God loves you, and unless He told you to spend your life alone, it's not His plan for your life (Gen 2:18). God doesn't want you to be lonely, but He may need you to learn some things before He blesses you with a loving spouse. I know that, being hard-headed, God used dating as an opportunity to teach me, through multiple failures, how to be a husband worthy of the wife He wanted to bless me with. Praise to God for not answering my prayer before I was ready to receive the blessing! My wife would have hated the man I was before I learned these things, but thanks to God's wisdom and timing, I am a different man now than I was.
I pray that you all find the happiness in marriage that I am so blessed with. Praise God!
Monday, September 14, 2009
A reply to Jessica on dating.
This post is a reply to the comments made by Jessica regarding our previous post on dating, all of which you can read here.
Hey Jessica,
First, there's really no need to apologize for the length of your comments - I enjoyed reading them, and I like writing long comments myself. Blogger really needs to get over these space limits.
Also, I think you've mistaken the point of this blog entry, which isn't to bash Josh Harris, but to define "dating" and to question the animosity that I have personally witnessed toward "dating" in the Christian community. The point is that dating has a lot of merits, and it's not the evil institution that many leaders make it out to be. I think Harris approach, which lacks consistency and is, therefore, hard to define, analyze, or to follow, has many elements similar to dating. On the whole, I believe his approach shelters people way too much, though Harris' approach might be practical for minors (this blog is typically directed at an 18+ crowd) who may be too young to date safely, maturely, and purely.
This blog is free to read, and I am not selling anything (though I have considered one day writing a book on this subject)On the whole, for adults, I believe dating is an opportunity worthy of investigation. It will not harm me if people read this entry on dating and completely disregard it, but I hope they at least consider it. So often wisdom is contrary to our human, fleshly nature (e.g. you must die to live), and isn't the easy path typically the wrong path? Dating is NEVER easy, and it requires a lot of courage.
This blog entry is not about me claming that dating is Bible-mandated. The point I am making is that dating is a wise, logical approach not prohibited by the Bible. I believe that dating is a very difficult and often scary enterprise, filled with risks of rejection and setbacks, but also I believe that the benefits far outpace the costs. I don't advise anyone to try it without a lot of prayer, time in the Word, and conscious goal-planning, but in my experience, and the experience of others I know, dating gets positive results. The vast majority of the happily married Christian couples I know dated before they got engaged, even if they already knew each other. I am blissfully married because God blessed my efforts in dating and relationships: I tried, then I failed, then I learned, then I changed, then I tried again. I repeated that process hundreds of times before meeting an marrying my wife. Others I know have found the process much less arduous, and many of my friends only went on a couple of dates before meeting their spouses. I think the timing often has a lot to do with God using the dating process to teach us how to better interact with members the opposite sex before getting married to one. As a happily married man, I can tell you that the experiences I gained dating other women have helped me immensely in learning how to better love my wife and how to be a better husband, generally.
You will never regret the experience you accummulate dating after you are married unless you sinned while dating. Dating brought me positive experience in understanding women and how to relate to them. It helped me learn how to be affectionate during a heated argument rather than shouting. It helped me learn not to take my wife for granted. The most important experience was in learning how to communicate more effectively with women, which experience paid dividends when I got married. Also, my dating experience taught me just how many of Satan's lies our culture has boought into, especially when it comes to our perceptions of the opposite sex, love, relationships, and especially marriage.
You seem a bit tense in your words, Jessica, if not with me, then maybe with dating or relationships - I don't know. Your comment seemed to reply to things I have not said. For instance, I never called anyone "silly," I only indicated that something my wife's friend said was silly. We all say silly things at times, but that does not make us "silly people." That may seem like a minor point, but I want it to be clear that my judgment was of this girl's statement, not the girl herself. She's a believer with a good heart, and I certainly meant no offense to her.
Also, you wrote, "Why not, instead, invite both girls along out to eat, as well as another guy or two..." In my entire article, I never made the case that group activities were a bad. Obviously, we must meet people before we can date them. I think group activities, especially those organized by a Bible-believing church, are an excellent way to meet and get to know members of the opposite sex BEFORE dating them. Also, I don't distinguish between group outings and group dates, except possibly to say that the latter involves an interest that the former possibly does not. I am only opposed to group activities as an absolute alternative to dating, because I really do believe that eventually two people of the opposite sex need to spend time alone together before making any commitments. That's just good, practical advice: don't commit to someone you don't really know. You don't really know someone you've never spent time alone with. Trust me: men and women act differently in group settings. However, that said, Jessica, meeting a man in a group environment is a good idea if only for safety sake. I would never advise you to spend time alone with a man you only barely know (unless it was in a public place with proper precautions).
The question is, where does your animosity to dating really come from? If the answer if fear of rejection or emotional hurt, then I advise you to consider whether you really want to make decisions based out of fear. So often in life, nothing ventured truly is nothing gained. Dating requires a degree of boldness that doesn't come easily to everyone. I think an sxcellent case can be made for dating. Is dating right for everyone? I am not prepared to go that far, but it seems that more people avoid dating out of silly reasons or fearful reasons than Biblical or logical reasons. What do I define as silly? Well, for one thing, outcome determanitive reasonins. You made the point that, if my friend remains single, that God must have wanted her to be single.
That same, flawed logic is used to blame God for a host of problems that plague this world. Just because God has the power to manipulate and micromanage the world, doesn't mean he actually does take affirmative action to cause every bad thing that happens. If a man smokes all his life then dies from lung cancer,is God to blame? Of course not: he reaped the results of the bad setwardship over his body. Now, God may decide to intervene to save that man from lung cancer, but it is ridiculous to think that God preordained that man to die simply by refusing to work a miracle.
Similarly, I don't believe God does causes people to be alone (at least not in most cases) - people suffer the consequences of their own decisions to act or to refrain from acting, and loneliness is a consequence of failing to make an effort to find someone to spend your life with. In my life, God has worked more miracles in areas where I was making an effort than in areas where I was doing nothing to change my problem. God does not appreciate laziness.
If you take nothing else away from this entry, then I suggest that you consider this: if dating doesn't work for you, then that's fine and dandy, but don't play the "waiting game." Find an alternative approach to dating and pursue it. I have a lot of friends and family (adults) who have never been married that want to be married, and the first question I ask them is what are you doing to pursue that goal? Most of them don't know what to say - they're waiting on God to perform a miracle, I suppose. Doing something is far better than doing nothing.
I doubt any farmer waits on God to make crops grow in his field if he never planted any seeds. Similarly, unless God actively tells you to wait for him to deliver a spouse, you had better be confident that waiting is a Biblical mandate. God will not be mocked, and We reap what we sow (Gal 6:7-8). If we sow nothing, then we shall reap nothing.
Hey Jessica,
First, there's really no need to apologize for the length of your comments - I enjoyed reading them, and I like writing long comments myself. Blogger really needs to get over these space limits.
Also, I think you've mistaken the point of this blog entry, which isn't to bash Josh Harris, but to define "dating" and to question the animosity that I have personally witnessed toward "dating" in the Christian community. The point is that dating has a lot of merits, and it's not the evil institution that many leaders make it out to be. I think Harris approach, which lacks consistency and is, therefore, hard to define, analyze, or to follow, has many elements similar to dating. On the whole, I believe his approach shelters people way too much, though Harris' approach might be practical for minors (this blog is typically directed at an 18+ crowd) who may be too young to date safely, maturely, and purely.
This blog is free to read, and I am not selling anything (though I have considered one day writing a book on this subject)On the whole, for adults, I believe dating is an opportunity worthy of investigation. It will not harm me if people read this entry on dating and completely disregard it, but I hope they at least consider it. So often wisdom is contrary to our human, fleshly nature (e.g. you must die to live), and isn't the easy path typically the wrong path? Dating is NEVER easy, and it requires a lot of courage.
This blog entry is not about me claming that dating is Bible-mandated. The point I am making is that dating is a wise, logical approach not prohibited by the Bible. I believe that dating is a very difficult and often scary enterprise, filled with risks of rejection and setbacks, but also I believe that the benefits far outpace the costs. I don't advise anyone to try it without a lot of prayer, time in the Word, and conscious goal-planning, but in my experience, and the experience of others I know, dating gets positive results. The vast majority of the happily married Christian couples I know dated before they got engaged, even if they already knew each other. I am blissfully married because God blessed my efforts in dating and relationships: I tried, then I failed, then I learned, then I changed, then I tried again. I repeated that process hundreds of times before meeting an marrying my wife. Others I know have found the process much less arduous, and many of my friends only went on a couple of dates before meeting their spouses. I think the timing often has a lot to do with God using the dating process to teach us how to better interact with members the opposite sex before getting married to one. As a happily married man, I can tell you that the experiences I gained dating other women have helped me immensely in learning how to better love my wife and how to be a better husband, generally.
You will never regret the experience you accummulate dating after you are married unless you sinned while dating. Dating brought me positive experience in understanding women and how to relate to them. It helped me learn how to be affectionate during a heated argument rather than shouting. It helped me learn not to take my wife for granted. The most important experience was in learning how to communicate more effectively with women, which experience paid dividends when I got married. Also, my dating experience taught me just how many of Satan's lies our culture has boought into, especially when it comes to our perceptions of the opposite sex, love, relationships, and especially marriage.
You seem a bit tense in your words, Jessica, if not with me, then maybe with dating or relationships - I don't know. Your comment seemed to reply to things I have not said. For instance, I never called anyone "silly," I only indicated that something my wife's friend said was silly. We all say silly things at times, but that does not make us "silly people." That may seem like a minor point, but I want it to be clear that my judgment was of this girl's statement, not the girl herself. She's a believer with a good heart, and I certainly meant no offense to her.
Also, you wrote, "Why not, instead, invite both girls along out to eat, as well as another guy or two..." In my entire article, I never made the case that group activities were a bad. Obviously, we must meet people before we can date them. I think group activities, especially those organized by a Bible-believing church, are an excellent way to meet and get to know members of the opposite sex BEFORE dating them. Also, I don't distinguish between group outings and group dates, except possibly to say that the latter involves an interest that the former possibly does not. I am only opposed to group activities as an absolute alternative to dating, because I really do believe that eventually two people of the opposite sex need to spend time alone together before making any commitments. That's just good, practical advice: don't commit to someone you don't really know. You don't really know someone you've never spent time alone with. Trust me: men and women act differently in group settings. However, that said, Jessica, meeting a man in a group environment is a good idea if only for safety sake. I would never advise you to spend time alone with a man you only barely know (unless it was in a public place with proper precautions).
The question is, where does your animosity to dating really come from? If the answer if fear of rejection or emotional hurt, then I advise you to consider whether you really want to make decisions based out of fear. So often in life, nothing ventured truly is nothing gained. Dating requires a degree of boldness that doesn't come easily to everyone. I think an sxcellent case can be made for dating. Is dating right for everyone? I am not prepared to go that far, but it seems that more people avoid dating out of silly reasons or fearful reasons than Biblical or logical reasons. What do I define as silly? Well, for one thing, outcome determanitive reasonins. You made the point that, if my friend remains single, that God must have wanted her to be single.
That same, flawed logic is used to blame God for a host of problems that plague this world. Just because God has the power to manipulate and micromanage the world, doesn't mean he actually does take affirmative action to cause every bad thing that happens. If a man smokes all his life then dies from lung cancer,is God to blame? Of course not: he reaped the results of the bad setwardship over his body. Now, God may decide to intervene to save that man from lung cancer, but it is ridiculous to think that God preordained that man to die simply by refusing to work a miracle.
Similarly, I don't believe God does causes people to be alone (at least not in most cases) - people suffer the consequences of their own decisions to act or to refrain from acting, and loneliness is a consequence of failing to make an effort to find someone to spend your life with. In my life, God has worked more miracles in areas where I was making an effort than in areas where I was doing nothing to change my problem. God does not appreciate laziness.
If you take nothing else away from this entry, then I suggest that you consider this: if dating doesn't work for you, then that's fine and dandy, but don't play the "waiting game." Find an alternative approach to dating and pursue it. I have a lot of friends and family (adults) who have never been married that want to be married, and the first question I ask them is what are you doing to pursue that goal? Most of them don't know what to say - they're waiting on God to perform a miracle, I suppose. Doing something is far better than doing nothing.
I doubt any farmer waits on God to make crops grow in his field if he never planted any seeds. Similarly, unless God actively tells you to wait for him to deliver a spouse, you had better be confident that waiting is a Biblical mandate. God will not be mocked, and We reap what we sow (Gal 6:7-8). If we sow nothing, then we shall reap nothing.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
What is "dating" anyway?
Here is a deceptively simple-sounding question that many people get wrong: "What is dating?"
From dictionary.com:
"v. dat·ed, dat·ing, dates v. tr.
To mark or supply with a date: date a letter.
To determine the date of: date a fossil.
To betray the age of: Pictures of old cars date the book.
To go on a date or dates with" [emphasis supplied].
So, at a minimum, "dating" means to "go on a date or dates with" another. Wow - that is profound is it not? So, wait a minute - does that mean "dating" isn't the same thing as. say, a "relationship?" Well, relationships are another topic for another blog, but suffice it to say, people in relationships do go on dates, but it doesn't logically follow that everyone who goes on a date is automatically in a relationship.
You may ask, "What does a blog about 'Applied Truth & Interest' have to do with the proper definition of dating?" What wonderful question! Rather than redirecting you to my initial blog post, which covers the rather wide subject matter for this blog, which I call "ATI," suffice it to say that the Lord has truth for every subject, and it is my firm belief that the Church needs a strong does of truth on the subject of dating. To illustrate why, I am going to share a story with you, my plethora of readers...
My best friend is "single," but he periodically goes on dates with different women in hopes of, eventually, finding that one woman who will convince him to forever abandon bachelorhood. When he visits us from out of state, as he often does, my wife and I like to try to arrange a "date" for him with one or more Christian girls we know in the area. Why do we do this? First, because we are trying desperately to convince him to move to Georgia. Second, we do this because we believe that my friend is that rare sort of man who will actually make a good and Godly husband for his wife, when the time comes. We think our great female friends deserve a shot at an honest, hard-working, fashionable, and extremely intelligent friend, who we love like a blood brother. We also want to see our friends happy. After all, God himself saw that it is not good for man to be alone (Gen 2:18).
This sounds like a great idea, but here's the catch: modern Christian "religion" has come out very strongly against "dating." Illustration: on my friend's last visit (yes - I am intentionally avoiding the use of his name), my wife attempted to arrange a date with two different girls she knows. Both of these girls are, to the best of my knowledge, the real deal: single, avid lovers of Christ. One girl jumped at the opportunity (kudos to her). The other, however, said something very silly to my wife that I have been hearing more and more from other Christians in the past few years - Christians who are otherwise sensible, intelligent people.
The second girl, however, told my wife that, "I have never been on a date before, and I am very proud of that. I am waiting." Waiting for what? I don't know. I hope she is waiting for God to send the right man her way, which at least demonstrates that she has a rational grasp of what it is that she wants in life. Unfortunately, she has absolutely no idea of what she would do if God were to deliver that man to her doorstep tomorrow, because she has never been on a date...
Perhaps more to the point, this young woman was proud of her naivete. She was proud that she had no practical experience relating to men as potential suitors! If tomorrow God sent a genuinely great man to her doorstep, what would she do? Say this great man is truly the "one" that God has in store for her - what next? If they are destined to be married, I hate to disappoint, but odds are any decent guy is going to want to start small and go on a date before dashing to the altar and exchanging rings.
I credit a large part of the silliness surrounding dating to a very kind-hearted, well-intentioned man named Joshua Harris (check his entry out on Wikepdia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joshua_Harris). Please make no mistake, I am not attacking this dedicated man of God. However, his book, "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye," has sold over a million copies. His other book, "Boy Meets Girl," was also a hit (I myself was once given a copy of it by an ex-girlfriend shortly after breaking up with her). However, sometimes I think that all Christians ever read of Mr. Harris' book are the titles. Josh Harris never suggested that Christians avoid dating; rather, he wrote about a suggested, alternative approach, which he calls "courtship." I call it semantics, and I believe that "courting" is, essentially, "dating." What he did correctly was suggest that dating should be done from a Christian perspective, with goals and approaches that honor and glorify God.
Mr. Harris' mistake was in trusting people to read more than the front cover of a book. The title, "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye," when used by a Christian author, misleadingly implies that dating, in any form, is unbiblical or even sinful. Of course, a mere glance at Mr. Harris' quotes on the Wikipedia page for "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye"
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Kissed_Dating_Goodbye) reveals that was not his intention. He was trying to help believers who have suffered the pains of secular dating find a Biblical alternative.
Here's the point: introducing the Bible to any situation is a positive approach. However, to suggest that there is a pain-free approach to dating is not Biblical. There is no such thing as a life with out pain or disappointment. There is a life of hope, however, that the Lord will NEVER leave you nor forsake you (see the latter half of Heb 13:5).
Jeremiah 32:17 proclaims, "O Sovereign Lord! You have made the heavens and earth by Your great power. Nothing is too hard for You!" How many of you believe that "nothing" includes guiding you safely through dating and relationships to marriage? How many are willing to believe that God will ease their suffering at rejection or disappointment?
Some of you aren't there yet, though. Like the girl from my story, you are "waiting." What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for God to do all the work for you? Maybe he will, but Ruth didn't bet on that. Read the 3rd chapter of the book of Ruth: when Ruth received a word of God-inspired counsel from Naomi, her mother-in-law from a deceased husband, Ruth seized it. Naomi saw that Ruth desired Boaz, so what was Naomi's advice? Check it out:
"Wash therefore and anoint yourself, and put on your cloak and go down to the threshing floor, but do not make yourself known to the man until he has finished eating and drinking. But when he lies down, observe the place where he lies. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down, and he will tell you what to do" (Ruth 3:3-4).
Ruth didn't just wait for God to do all the work for her. She accepted wise, Godly counsel, and trusted the Lord to walk with her as she followed through with Naomi's instructions. What happened? "At midnight the man was startled and turned over, and behold, a woman lay at his feet! He said, 'Who are you?' And she answered, 'I am Ruth, your servant'" (Ruth 3:8-9). Boaz told Ruth not to fear (3:11), and the next several passages reveal the story of their marriage and Ruth's redemption (another topic for another blog).
Naomi told Ruth to stop waiting and go to Boaz. She didn't tell Ruth to wait for God to deliver Boaz directly to the altar. Would God have just dropped Boaz in Ruth's lap had she not seized the moment and followed Naomi's advice?
I obviously don't know for certain what might have been, but I believe that God often uses means other than outright miracles to act. In this story, the Lord used Naomi, who encouraged Ruth to actively pursue Boaz (see Ruth 3:1-2). Obviously, this was well with the Lord, because from this union came Obed, then Jesse, and, then, David. That's right: without Ruth's willingness to approach a man, there would have been no David. Can you imagine the Bible without David the King, father of Solomon?
Lets not overstate the case, though. Every marriage does not result in the birth of a critical world leader, but I do believe that God has a plan for each of us. You will be hard-pressed to find many examples in the Bible of God acting without any participation from man. There are miracles, yes, but even with the parting of the Red Sea, God required some minimal participation from Moses in extending his staff (Exodus 14:16). Both Jonah and Elijah fled from tasks appointed them by the Lord, but the Lord would not act without them. Whatever else you might believe about God's plan, he has a role for us to play in it. Certainly, the Lord does not need our participation, but he obviously desires it.
So what does all this have to do with dating? "Dating," for purposes of the advice I am about to give, means "to go on dates," which simply means spending time with and getting to know someone of the opposite sex. Like Josh Harris, I encourage you to approach dating from a Biblical perspective and to put God's goals for dating, relationships, and marriage before your own, selfish desires.
Good advice on dating and relationships, for some reason, is a difficult thing for Christians to find. In my own dating experience, before getting married, I learned for myself that Christian advice on how to date (rather than how to avoid it), is in very short supply. My advice, and this comes from experience, is to always trust the Lord, and to always be bold like Ruth.
Granted, Ruth didn't have to look long for Boaz, but then she got really good advice didn't she? Naomi didn't play around - she told Ruth to go lay at a man's feet when he's in a good, rested mood. When I was single, that would have worked on me ;)
Get the best advice you can on dating. It may not be mine: talk to your pastor. Show him this blog entry, and ask him what he thinks. All I am advising with this post is this: don't stick your head in the mud and expect God to deliver the love of your life to your doorstep, hog-tied, and bearing an engagement ring. Instead, consider going on a date. Whether you are a man or a woman reading this, if you aren't willing to invite someone on a date, then at least be willing to say "yes" when asked. If you don't do the asking, then you'll obviously be limited to choosing from those who ask you.
Also consider that "dating" doesn't necessarily mean relationships or require any sexual immorality. It means meeting someone and getting to know him or her better, with the assumption that there is the potential (but not a guarantee) for something more later on. Sometimes the 1st date is the last one you will ever go on, but for most people it takes a little more than that. Consider, however, that you will ideally only marry one of the people you date, so don't go in expecting every date (or every relationship for that matter) to lead to marital bliss. That is setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment.
Instead, I encourage you to see dating as a chance to have some fun with someone while getting to know him/her better. Breathe easy, because you know upfront that the odds are against any given date being the one that leads to marriage, or even a relationship/commitment. Why would you expect that before you've even had a first date? There's a good chance you will be the one who doesn't want to go any further than date #1. Ergo, I am recommending that you remove the pressure by adjusting your expectations to a more realistic level.
If dating were gardening, then go on the date, have fun, and think of it as a seed planted. Don't plant just one seed, don't sit and obsess over the seed or wait on it to grow, and don't get mad at the seed if it never grows at all. All we can do is plant our seeds, water and feed them, then leave it to God to decide which seeds grow and how much. After we've done our part, we can rest easy knowing that the rest is in God's capable hands. Remember, this is the God that never leaves nor forsakes you.
I planted a few seeds in my time. I dated a lot, had a few relationships, and got engaged twice. I got married once. I believe now, looking back, that through those past dates, relationships, and through the one engagement that didn't result in marriage, God taught me things in each of those situations - things that he wanted me to learn before I could be a good husband to one of His daughters.
Don't be arrogant. We all need to learn things about relating to the opposite sex before we get married, some of us more than others. Dating is a tool. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, does it make sense to curse the hammer? Okay, so some of us have done that. Still, it makes no sense to condemn dating because we get hurt doing it. Ultimately, the pain has less to do with "dating" and more to do with the people involved.
And, if anyone reading this blog is a single Christian girl in need of a date, I have this great friend...
UPDATE (9/2009): an in-depth reply to the in-depth comment of Jessica below may be found here.
From dictionary.com:
"v. dat·ed, dat·ing, dates v. tr.
To mark or supply with a date: date a letter.
To determine the date of: date a fossil.
To betray the age of: Pictures of old cars date the book.
To go on a date or dates with" [emphasis supplied].
So, at a minimum, "dating" means to "go on a date or dates with" another. Wow - that is profound is it not? So, wait a minute - does that mean "dating" isn't the same thing as. say, a "relationship?" Well, relationships are another topic for another blog, but suffice it to say, people in relationships do go on dates, but it doesn't logically follow that everyone who goes on a date is automatically in a relationship.
You may ask, "What does a blog about 'Applied Truth & Interest' have to do with the proper definition of dating?" What wonderful question! Rather than redirecting you to my initial blog post, which covers the rather wide subject matter for this blog, which I call "ATI," suffice it to say that the Lord has truth for every subject, and it is my firm belief that the Church needs a strong does of truth on the subject of dating. To illustrate why, I am going to share a story with you, my plethora of readers...
My best friend is "single," but he periodically goes on dates with different women in hopes of, eventually, finding that one woman who will convince him to forever abandon bachelorhood. When he visits us from out of state, as he often does, my wife and I like to try to arrange a "date" for him with one or more Christian girls we know in the area. Why do we do this? First, because we are trying desperately to convince him to move to Georgia. Second, we do this because we believe that my friend is that rare sort of man who will actually make a good and Godly husband for his wife, when the time comes. We think our great female friends deserve a shot at an honest, hard-working, fashionable, and extremely intelligent friend, who we love like a blood brother. We also want to see our friends happy. After all, God himself saw that it is not good for man to be alone (Gen 2:18).
This sounds like a great idea, but here's the catch: modern Christian "religion" has come out very strongly against "dating." Illustration: on my friend's last visit (yes - I am intentionally avoiding the use of his name), my wife attempted to arrange a date with two different girls she knows. Both of these girls are, to the best of my knowledge, the real deal: single, avid lovers of Christ. One girl jumped at the opportunity (kudos to her). The other, however, said something very silly to my wife that I have been hearing more and more from other Christians in the past few years - Christians who are otherwise sensible, intelligent people.
The second girl, however, told my wife that, "I have never been on a date before, and I am very proud of that. I am waiting." Waiting for what? I don't know. I hope she is waiting for God to send the right man her way, which at least demonstrates that she has a rational grasp of what it is that she wants in life. Unfortunately, she has absolutely no idea of what she would do if God were to deliver that man to her doorstep tomorrow, because she has never been on a date...
Perhaps more to the point, this young woman was proud of her naivete. She was proud that she had no practical experience relating to men as potential suitors! If tomorrow God sent a genuinely great man to her doorstep, what would she do? Say this great man is truly the "one" that God has in store for her - what next? If they are destined to be married, I hate to disappoint, but odds are any decent guy is going to want to start small and go on a date before dashing to the altar and exchanging rings.
I credit a large part of the silliness surrounding dating to a very kind-hearted, well-intentioned man named Joshua Harris (check his entry out on Wikepdia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joshua_Harris). Please make no mistake, I am not attacking this dedicated man of God. However, his book, "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye," has sold over a million copies. His other book, "Boy Meets Girl," was also a hit (I myself was once given a copy of it by an ex-girlfriend shortly after breaking up with her). However, sometimes I think that all Christians ever read of Mr. Harris' book are the titles. Josh Harris never suggested that Christians avoid dating; rather, he wrote about a suggested, alternative approach, which he calls "courtship." I call it semantics, and I believe that "courting" is, essentially, "dating." What he did correctly was suggest that dating should be done from a Christian perspective, with goals and approaches that honor and glorify God.
Mr. Harris' mistake was in trusting people to read more than the front cover of a book. The title, "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye," when used by a Christian author, misleadingly implies that dating, in any form, is unbiblical or even sinful. Of course, a mere glance at Mr. Harris' quotes on the Wikipedia page for "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye"
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Kissed_Dating_Goodbye) reveals that was not his intention. He was trying to help believers who have suffered the pains of secular dating find a Biblical alternative.
Here's the point: introducing the Bible to any situation is a positive approach. However, to suggest that there is a pain-free approach to dating is not Biblical. There is no such thing as a life with out pain or disappointment. There is a life of hope, however, that the Lord will NEVER leave you nor forsake you (see the latter half of Heb 13:5).
Jeremiah 32:17 proclaims, "O Sovereign Lord! You have made the heavens and earth by Your great power. Nothing is too hard for You!" How many of you believe that "nothing" includes guiding you safely through dating and relationships to marriage? How many are willing to believe that God will ease their suffering at rejection or disappointment?
Some of you aren't there yet, though. Like the girl from my story, you are "waiting." What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for God to do all the work for you? Maybe he will, but Ruth didn't bet on that. Read the 3rd chapter of the book of Ruth: when Ruth received a word of God-inspired counsel from Naomi, her mother-in-law from a deceased husband, Ruth seized it. Naomi saw that Ruth desired Boaz, so what was Naomi's advice? Check it out:
"Wash therefore and anoint yourself, and put on your cloak and go down to the threshing floor, but do not make yourself known to the man until he has finished eating and drinking. But when he lies down, observe the place where he lies. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down, and he will tell you what to do" (Ruth 3:3-4).
Ruth didn't just wait for God to do all the work for her. She accepted wise, Godly counsel, and trusted the Lord to walk with her as she followed through with Naomi's instructions. What happened? "At midnight the man was startled and turned over, and behold, a woman lay at his feet! He said, 'Who are you?' And she answered, 'I am Ruth, your servant'" (Ruth 3:8-9). Boaz told Ruth not to fear (3:11), and the next several passages reveal the story of their marriage and Ruth's redemption (another topic for another blog).
Naomi told Ruth to stop waiting and go to Boaz. She didn't tell Ruth to wait for God to deliver Boaz directly to the altar. Would God have just dropped Boaz in Ruth's lap had she not seized the moment and followed Naomi's advice?
I obviously don't know for certain what might have been, but I believe that God often uses means other than outright miracles to act. In this story, the Lord used Naomi, who encouraged Ruth to actively pursue Boaz (see Ruth 3:1-2). Obviously, this was well with the Lord, because from this union came Obed, then Jesse, and, then, David. That's right: without Ruth's willingness to approach a man, there would have been no David. Can you imagine the Bible without David the King, father of Solomon?
Lets not overstate the case, though. Every marriage does not result in the birth of a critical world leader, but I do believe that God has a plan for each of us. You will be hard-pressed to find many examples in the Bible of God acting without any participation from man. There are miracles, yes, but even with the parting of the Red Sea, God required some minimal participation from Moses in extending his staff (Exodus 14:16). Both Jonah and Elijah fled from tasks appointed them by the Lord, but the Lord would not act without them. Whatever else you might believe about God's plan, he has a role for us to play in it. Certainly, the Lord does not need our participation, but he obviously desires it.
So what does all this have to do with dating? "Dating," for purposes of the advice I am about to give, means "to go on dates," which simply means spending time with and getting to know someone of the opposite sex. Like Josh Harris, I encourage you to approach dating from a Biblical perspective and to put God's goals for dating, relationships, and marriage before your own, selfish desires.
Good advice on dating and relationships, for some reason, is a difficult thing for Christians to find. In my own dating experience, before getting married, I learned for myself that Christian advice on how to date (rather than how to avoid it), is in very short supply. My advice, and this comes from experience, is to always trust the Lord, and to always be bold like Ruth.
Granted, Ruth didn't have to look long for Boaz, but then she got really good advice didn't she? Naomi didn't play around - she told Ruth to go lay at a man's feet when he's in a good, rested mood. When I was single, that would have worked on me ;)
Get the best advice you can on dating. It may not be mine: talk to your pastor. Show him this blog entry, and ask him what he thinks. All I am advising with this post is this: don't stick your head in the mud and expect God to deliver the love of your life to your doorstep, hog-tied, and bearing an engagement ring. Instead, consider going on a date. Whether you are a man or a woman reading this, if you aren't willing to invite someone on a date, then at least be willing to say "yes" when asked. If you don't do the asking, then you'll obviously be limited to choosing from those who ask you.
Also consider that "dating" doesn't necessarily mean relationships or require any sexual immorality. It means meeting someone and getting to know him or her better, with the assumption that there is the potential (but not a guarantee) for something more later on. Sometimes the 1st date is the last one you will ever go on, but for most people it takes a little more than that. Consider, however, that you will ideally only marry one of the people you date, so don't go in expecting every date (or every relationship for that matter) to lead to marital bliss. That is setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment.
Instead, I encourage you to see dating as a chance to have some fun with someone while getting to know him/her better. Breathe easy, because you know upfront that the odds are against any given date being the one that leads to marriage, or even a relationship/commitment. Why would you expect that before you've even had a first date? There's a good chance you will be the one who doesn't want to go any further than date #1. Ergo, I am recommending that you remove the pressure by adjusting your expectations to a more realistic level.
If dating were gardening, then go on the date, have fun, and think of it as a seed planted. Don't plant just one seed, don't sit and obsess over the seed or wait on it to grow, and don't get mad at the seed if it never grows at all. All we can do is plant our seeds, water and feed them, then leave it to God to decide which seeds grow and how much. After we've done our part, we can rest easy knowing that the rest is in God's capable hands. Remember, this is the God that never leaves nor forsakes you.
I planted a few seeds in my time. I dated a lot, had a few relationships, and got engaged twice. I got married once. I believe now, looking back, that through those past dates, relationships, and through the one engagement that didn't result in marriage, God taught me things in each of those situations - things that he wanted me to learn before I could be a good husband to one of His daughters.
Don't be arrogant. We all need to learn things about relating to the opposite sex before we get married, some of us more than others. Dating is a tool. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, does it make sense to curse the hammer? Okay, so some of us have done that. Still, it makes no sense to condemn dating because we get hurt doing it. Ultimately, the pain has less to do with "dating" and more to do with the people involved.
And, if anyone reading this blog is a single Christian girl in need of a date, I have this great friend...
UPDATE (9/2009): an in-depth reply to the in-depth comment of Jessica below may be found here.
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