"Nowhere in the Bible does it say..."

...that some action, inaction, thought, or activity is right or wrong solely because it isn't expressly mentioned by name in the Bible. What do I mean?

Yesterday in church, a male friend of mine made the point that, "Nowhere in the Bible does it tell husbands to hold their wives accountable to submit," the implication being that husbands are not permitted to hold their wives accountable for their duty to submit. This gentleman agreed that wives have a duty to submit, but he argued that it is the Lord's place alone to hold the wife accountable.

This issue, of submission, is but one example of the dangers associated with my friend's flawed method of interpreting the scriptures. Guess what else the Bible does not expressly say:

• The Bible does not say that “abortion is wrong” (it does, however, say that murder is wrong);
• The Bible does not say that “a pastor may discipline his flock” (it does however provide for church leaders holding the members accountable and for church resolution of conflicts between believers – see Matt 18);
• The Bible does not say that women must “separate and cleave” from their families (though this is implied by that same message to men);
• The Bible does not say “thou shalt not lie” (but it does say not to “bear false witness/give false testimony”);
• The Bible does not say that men and women must “obtain a legal certificate of marriage from the secular government” (but it does say that believers must subject themselves to the secular authorities – see Rom 13:1).

There are myriad of activities the Bible does not expressly permit or forbid, at least not in so many words. For instance, the Bible does not expressly tell us to refrain from water-boarding small children or from eating poison ivy.  The Lord obviously intended the Bible to give us principles by which we can live our lives and know the Truth, and it is up to us to apply these principles to new situations.

The Bible identifies the nature of sin and the opposing nature of righteousness. Certainly, examples were included to help our understanding, but the Ten Commandments were never intended to be the end to all moral judgments. They were the beginning – the genesis of our understanding of sin and righteousness.

We must take what we have learned from the Bible and apply it, logically, in our own decision-making. To simply state that, “The Bible doesn’t say…” as evidence for any conclusion, is insufficient. That can never be the end to our thinking process. Otherwise, we will commit a host of sins with the flimsiest of excuses, “The Bible didn’t say I couldn’t leave that man to die in the streets – I didn’t kill him.” What of the Good Samaritan? Do the principles in that story not require us to aid those in need?

We are under a duty to ask the question, “Does this activity or thing we are contemplating align more with our understanding of sin or our understanding of righteousness as taught by the Bible?” Applying this logic to my friend’s argument, we must seek God’s intention regarding the roles of husbands and wives in marriage. Saying that the Bible does not command husbands to hold their wives accountable for submitting does nothing to aid in the evaluation of whether husband should or should not be holding their wives accountable in this fashion.

In reaching my own conclusions, I cannot ignore that the Bible has given husbands authority over their wives, albeit with specific instructions and restrictions for how to exercise that authority. Often, I wish that I could ignore this reality. The world would be simpler for me, if I did not have authority as a husband: it comes with a never-ending array of duties and responsibilities. One of those duties, I believe, is being a spiritual leader in my home by holding my wife, family, and myself accountable for our Biblical duties. As Joshua said centuries before me, I am proclaiming that, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15). As a husband and father, men have the duty to make that proclamation a reality (more than words).

The Bible enumerates specific commands to husbands concerning how they treat their wives, and husbands must fulfill these duties. The Bible also enumerates specific commands to wives concerning how they treat their husbands, and wives must fulfill those duties. Along these lines, I will now explain my understanding of the scripture as it relates to submission between husbands and wives (with the understanding that all Christians are to have a submissive spirit, generally).

Simply put, the word "submit," as used in Ephesians 5 (just picking a relevant passage here), means to subject one's own will to that of another. When Christ submitted himself to the Lord, he subjected his decisions, judgments, and desires to the authority and will of the Lord. Certainly, Christ had reservations and concerns about going to the cross (e.g. “Lord … take this cup from me…”), but there was no sin, as Christ subjected his judgment and will to that of the Lord. Christ was crucified as a result of submission.

No one considers this to be a negative thing, likely due to the perfect nature of the parties involved (God the Father and Jesus Christ, the Son). However, the Word of God requires wives to submit to their husbands as to (in the same fashion as) the Lord:

"Wives, submit [ne subject] to your own [not necessarily other] husbands, as to [in the same way you submit to] the Lord. For the husband is the head [leader] of the wife even as Christ is the head [leader] of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything [not just some things] to their husbands" (Eph 5:22-23) (emphasis supplied).

This passage is extremely difficult for me. I have struggled with it for years, trying to interpret it with the mind of a man who grew up in a post-modern, secular society that believes “equal value” requires “identical roles” and options. How can a man and woman be equal when one is the leader and the other the follower? Of course, I ask myself whether the president of the United States has more constitutionally prescribed civil liberties than do I as an ordinary citizen? Of course, not: the president is subject to the same Bill of Rights as the rest of us, but he is still our leader.  Why would it be different with husbands and wives?

Now the friend I mentioned earlier, he is a man I respect and admire. Like me, however, he is not perfect. This man’s flawed logic has resulted in what I believe to be an incorrect interpretation of the Bible in this specific instance. I have been guilty myself of using this same flawed logic in times past. “The Bible doesn’t say something is a sin, so I can do it right?” I used to (and sometimes still do) rationalize in this way.

My friend argues that, because the Bible does not tell husbands to hold their wives accountable to submit, that husbands are therefore prohibited from holding their wives accountable. The Bible also does not tell men to refrain from tossing their children out into the streets, but it says a man who does not take care of his family is a scoundrel (1 Tim 5:8). The flaw in his reasoning is taking the mere absence of an express scriptural provision in the Word of God as a prohibition or as a permission.

Let me explain with an illustration. Many of us know the children’s hymn, "I'm in the Lord's Army." How would this dispute concerning submission play out in the context of an army?

Let us imagine, for a moment, that there is a certain general. This general commands an army, and he decides to establish some written rules and procedures to be followed by the officers and troops under his command. He provides every officer and soldier with access to these written rules and procedures. One of the rules he establishes is that all troops are to submit to the commands of the officers in the same way that those officers submit to the general himself – in everything.

Now let us suppose that there is a battle to be fought over a certain bridge in the jungle that is critical to controlling the surrounding region. Suppose also that one of the officers orders the troops to take the bridge despite strong opposition from the enemy. Now suppose that, out of fear, the troops hesitate to charge the bridge and that they begin second-guessing the officer. Suppose that the officer listens to the concerns of the troops but, after considering their concerns and the need to take that bridge, he orders them to charge forward anyway.

Suppose also the soldiers refuse to submit to the order to charge the bridge. Lastly, suppose that nothing in the general's written rules and procedures says, specifically, that the officer is authorized to demand that the troops submit to or to hold the men accountable for failing to submit.

Does the officer need the express, written permission of the general to demand that the troops charge the bridge, or does the written authority granted to him by the general imply that the officer has the authority to hold the soldiers accountable for refusing to submit to the officer’s commands? Remember, the general’s written, standing order is that the troops submit to the officer in everything.

Of course, in the military, the troops would be required to follow their orders of the officers with the understanding that they could approach the general (or another superior) to discuss any strongly held objections. The general has the authority to countermand the orders of any officer or to affirm those orders. Of course, husbands and wives are not (always) military personnel, but the analogy holds just as true in God’s army.

As I see it, God does not have to expressly provide that husbands may hold their wives accountable to submit. God has placed the husband in a position of leadership and authority over the wife. That's not a popular belief or position, but I believe it is an accurate portrayal of the Biblical design ("wives should submit in everything to their husbands"). That position and authority confers upon the husband, as a leader, not only a right but a responsibility to hold his wife accountable, as his supporter and follower.

Leaders who do not exercise their authority are useless as leaders. However, it is important for a leader to know when and how to exercise authority responsibly and for the benefit of others.

God has placed restrictions on how husbands are to exercise that authority, always with a view to protecting their wives, and God has also ordered the husband to love his wife in the most complete way imaginable. If the wife has an objection to the husband's use of authority, then she has the option to approach the Lord and pray for an intervention, just as the troops in our example had the option to petition the general to intervene on their behalf with the officers. Ultimately, the Lord, just like our hypothetical general, has the authority to countermand the husband's leadership, or to affirm it. The husband cannot be a leader, logically, without exercising some authority and holding his wife accountable for respecting that authority.

The question is, when the wife prays to the Lord for intervention, and when the Lord does not choose to intervene (whether overtly or by convicting the husband to alter his judgment), will the wife submit to the Lord? Silence from the Lord is not abandonment or neglect. The Lord’s silence means that the Lord’s instructions stand: wives submit to your husband. Rather than changing this Biblical command, I believe the Lord answers the prayers of wives in this sometimes difficult position of being at odds with her husband by convicting the husband to reconsider his decisions. Other times, I believe the Lord convicts the wife to follow. Regardless, I believe that both husbands and wives occasionally ignore the convictions of the Holy Spirit when experiencing a spousal dispute. However, this is not cause for the aggrieved spouse to abandon his/her duty to the Lord. Wives should continue to submit, and husbands should continue to lead in love.

The Lord knows best, and when he does not seem to answer a prayer, his silence is the answer. That is not a technicality: the Lord knows when to intervene and when to let things play out. That is why the Lord is the general in our littler metaphor. If the husband or wife does not comply when the Lord convicts him/her, then I believe there will be consequences for defying a Holy God. The Bible tells us there is at least one negative consequence when a husband abuses his authority or mistreats his wife:

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding [i.e. patience, love, and grace] way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Peter 3:7) (emphasis supplied).

Wives, this is a scripture to share respectfully with your husbands. Submit to your husband, if not out of respect and love for him (which you are Biblically required to do), then for the Lord who has asked you to submit in this way. However, do be honest with your husband and remind him (holding him accountable) that he is commanded to love you as Christ loved the Church. Respectfully and lovingly, as a supporter, remind him that there are consequences to mistreating you, and that the Lord has decreed this: show him 1 Peter 3:7.

Difference in authority is not a difference in value. This is where many Christians miss the mark: the fact that a wife must submit does not mean she is less valuable to the Lord. That she, as the "weaker vessel," requires a strong leader does not mean the Lord loves or values her less than her husband. In fact, by providing her with a strong leader in her husband, the Lord has made additional provisions for her well-being beyond what has been provided for the husband. The Lord values all His children equally:

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Gal 3:28).

God loves and values us all equally, and we are all one in His eyes. However, He has called us to different tasks and purposes. Husbands are called to lead. Wives are called to support and follow. Husbands are to love and protect, while wives are to respect and support. This does not mean women are less valuable. Leaders are worthless without their followers and supporters, unable to accomplish anything.

My friend's logic may have been flawed in concluding that a husband, as a leader, cannot hold his wife accountable to abide by her Biblical duty to submit, but he would be right to say that there are limits to how a husband may go about holding his wife accountable. 1 Peter 3:7 tells us, without reservation, that God will not hear a husband's prayers if he is failing to be understanding with his wife, to recognize her tender fragility, and to honor her accordingly.

This means that husbands may NOT use their authority as grounds to abuse their wives in any way. Certainly, a man should NEVER strike his wife, not with fists and not with words.  This is not Biblical.

Just as the Bible does not say that “husbands are permitted to hold their wives accountable for refusing to submit,” the Bible does not say that “husbands are prohibited from screaming at their wives in anger.” I believe, however, that the Bible prohibits men from screaming at their wives in anger (unlike screaming "look out for that bus," which is necessarily different). Husbands are called to, calmly and lovingly, be the spiritual leaders in their homes. We are called lead, first and foremost, by example. When our wives are failing in their duty to submit, we also have a responsibility to the Lord to see order restored in our home. We must hold our wives (and ourselves) accountable to abiding by the Lord’s design for family.

When leading by example is insufficient (and this is far less common than many husbands would care to admit), it is our duty to: (1) break out the scripture and discuss the matter, calmly and lovingly; (2) if our wives will not listen, then we must find and ask another believer, wise in the Word, to intervene; and (3) if that does not work, then we must take it before the church leadership (Matt 18). We do NOT harm, abuse, or take our wives to court seeking a divorce.

Christian counseling, mediation, or even arbitration may be necessary in extreme cases. The husband must remember to submit to the authority of a pastor, Christian arbitrator, or church leader who espouses a Biblical worldview and provides Biblical counsel/commands.

I hope this helps my friend and others with this difficult passage of scripture. It really isn’t all that complicated, but sometimes simple concepts are the hardest to swallow. After all, the terms “simple” and “easy” are no more synonymous than the terms “equality” and “authority.” Something can be simple and hard. Someone can have or lack authority and still be equal to another that has or lacks authority.

If nothing else, I hope those of you who read this will cease to argue what the Bible doesn’t say and start prayerfully considering and discussing what it does say, without preconceptions or agendas derived from social norms. Only then will we get to the Truth.

Dating: Experience and Regret

Many people oppose the concept of dating because of the likelihood of heartache and pain it can cause. Often, people think that they will regret all their dating experiences later in life, after and perhaps even before they actually get married.

In my life, I've certainly had cause to regret things that happened while I was dating. However, when I really take a look at what I regret, it's not the fact that I dated a particular person (except when she was not a Christian). What I regret are my own actions -- actions that were sinful, regardless of the context. Dating certainly provides special opportunities to "fall short of the glory of God," but so do most other activities in our lives.

More recently, as I've made more effort to submit this area of my life to the Lord, I've had experiences that I can look back on fondly. I've had the opportunity to enjoy time spent with women, and even after parting company I can see that it was the right thing and I don't feel regretful over that time.

It's difficult to shake the mindset that every time we break up or stop seeing someone, we have somehow failed. But the Lord has much to teach us, and sometimes He brings us together with someone to learn from them, either about others or ourselves. With this in mind, the most important thing is to date in a lighthearted spirit, enjoying the opportunity to get to know another creature precious to God. Perhaps He will guide you to share your lives, perhaps not; but in all, He is in control. Make sure that everything you do while with that person is pleasing to Him, and there will be no need for regret.

Sense & Insensibility: Jane Austen

My wife recently expressed to me that she thinks Jane Austen may be a bad influence on women. I have limited exposure to Austen's writings, though I have enjoyed many of the films based off her novels, including Emma. I have less to say on the matter than my wife might, but I have to agree that it is discouraging that a woman who spent so much time writing about relationships and marriage never found a man she deemed worthy to marry.

Many times, I have made the point that we should look for a spouse first that God would approve of, and second that meets our own list of characteristics/priorities/desires. To the extent our list contradicts that of the Lord, we are surely doing something wrong. From what I understand, and correct me if I am wrong, there were many men in Jane Austen's life. Nevertheless, she never married.

Many Christians read Austen's books and so come under the influence of her philosophies regarding marriage, in the way people might read Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" and find her hyper-laissez-faire notions for government to be compelling (I know it has a certain appeal to me, at least). Of course, any glimmer of truth can make a unique brand of philosophy compelling when laced so subtly into entertaining fiction, but to the extent Austen makes the point not to marry without love or affection, I offer the following points:

Why is it so difficult to find someone worthy of our love and affection? There are no perfect people in this world that objectively qualify as "Mr. or Mrs. Right," only imperfect people who need desperately to be loved in spite of, and perhaps all the more for, their inherent flaws. I am awful at loading the dishwasher to my wife's satisfaction, for instance, but she seems to find that as a point of affection and humor - not a deal-breaking flaw that makes me less than an exciting fictional male lead (this is good, because I am no Cary Grant, who would certainly be capable of making even dish duty charming).

Similarly, I remind you all that if you are waiting/looking for the perfect mate, then you will wait a very long time. If you never abandon that way of thinking, then you will likely die unmarried (sorry -harsh reality). Is it really better to live without a spouse perpetually than to share your life with someone you're not 100% certain is "the one?"

You want a fictional example? Scarlett O'Hara chased her precious Ashley (I think) and completely missed Rhett Butler (sp?), who got tired of waiting. Was she better off alone? Eventually she didn't seem to think so, but by that time Butler was tired of playing second fiddle. No man or woman wants to be someone's second choice, after all. So Georgia burns, Butler leaves, and O'Hara is alone. Serves her right? I think so - Butler deserves a woman with sense enough to appreciate his efforts, but I digress...

Austen is considered a realist (according to Wikipedia at least), but it seems that she was more and idealist than a pragmatist when it came to marriage in her own life. Certainly affection and love are important in a marriage, but affection and love are gifts and commitments: not buried treasure to be found and searched for over an entire lifetime. Want to find your soul mate? Then learn to be more giving of your soul (metaphorically speaking). The key to true love lies in generosity, not life-long pursuits of endless waiting for some special destiny that awaits you. Effort is always required to obtain a loving and marriage, but that effort should be 90% self sacrifice and 10% searching (see 1 Cor 13 re the sacrificial nature of love). Believe it or not, if you want to really live, then you must die to yourself.

Just a thought. And now the inevitable waive of attacks on my ignorance of Jane Austen (which I admit)... Of course, attacking Austen really isn't my point, is it? Don't bother defending Austen's honor: it is not my intent to impeach it. Rather, I hope to impeach the idea that there is a cosmic destiny that you should put your life on hold waiting for when perfectly good opportunities for love surround you. Trust me, if you open your heart, there are people all around you that would cherish your love - so what if they are not perfectly what YOU want? Do you think perfect is waiting just off the horizon? Best of luck with that...

As for my wife and me, we will continue enjoying each others' imperfections, entirely committed to loving each other no matter what. I wish you all such a wonderful, imperfect marriage.

A date with my wife.

Not to belabor the subject of dating, but I want to encourage all those men out there whose whose wives are nagging them for more "dates." Lesson learned: it doesn't matter so much what you do, so long as you plan it for them and make it fun.

I like to read, so I took my wife out for fast food and a trip to the bookstore across the street. We drank overpriced coffee and read in each others' presence. I even read to her a bit from one of my favorite detective novels. She had a good time, and so did I. It wasn't a horribly trying experience, even if I usually prefer to rest after getting home from work, and I actually think I enjoyed it.

The point: consider planning a date to do something with your wife that YOU BOTH will enjoy (she won't be happy if you're whining all night about how boring it was). It can be win-win if you have a good time and if she is satisfied. It is also a lot better to make the small effort than to have a sad or bored wife. Depression and boredom breed nagging, so nip it in the bud: take her out.

Dating revisited: a testimony of post-marriage benefits, coping with heartache, and sowing your efforts.

Many of you know that I am now married. Ironically, "dating" is never far from my mind. That may seem odd, but let me explain.

Living with a member of the opposite sex is difficult. For all the feminist garbage out there trying to make people believe that men and women are the same creation, the truth is that men and women, while of equal value to the Lord and the world, are vastly different creations, that think in vastly different ways. The most difficult part of being married, for me, has been learning to communicate effectively with my wife and in learning to cope with the reality that, as a woman, my wife has needs that I do not have.

To resolve these marital difficulties, I draw heavily upon my experiences in dating. I cannot tell you how useful even my failures in dating have been. As an example, I will share with you that many of my relationships ended because I got tired of listening to a woman whine about her problems while ignoring my practical advice for potential solutions. After a while, I realized that all women need release their emotional build-up, and they desire a patient, listening ear to assist them in getting that release.

My experience with dating and relationships taught me to see "venting" as more than just "whining." True, eventually venting becomes whining, but there is a time to suggest potential solutions to a women that is hurting, and there is a time to shut up and let her get something off her chest. This is an insight that has really been useful to me in marriage. I gained many other insights in dating that I use to understand and to "decode" my wife's words and behaviors.

I don't know if people really appreciate just how foreign women are to men, and vice versa. She says, "Is your breakfast okay," and she means, "Do you appreciate that I made you breakfast?" He says, "I liked your hair better when it was long," and she hears, "You're ugly." Neither is really understanding the other. We try so hard to understand members of the opposite sex based on our own way of thinking, but dating helped me realize the differences that reveal what is really going on in her mind.

Remember, dating, for purposes of this blog, is just the process of spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex. See the official ATI definition here. Suffice it to say, I am not suggesting that people date to practice the sort of physical intimacy that is Biblically reserved for marriage, and I encourage you all to abstain from sexual immorality. You cannot, however, learn about how to effectively interact and communicate with the opposite sex, one-on-one, in group settings. People behave differently in crowds than they do one-on-one. Protocol and good manners require different conduct in group conversations, for instance, versus one-on-one conversations. For those not willing to engage in one-on-one dating, you might consider group dating.

I don't see much difference between group activities and group dating except that, with group dating, there is an understanding that people are attending in pairs our couples. That understanding fosters and environment where people can pair off in separate conversations without being rude to the others that are being excluded, while retaining the accountability of a group presence. It's hard to go "too far" when you're with a group of Christian friends. As a side note, I don't advise Christians to date, or even group date, non-believers. For one thing, doing so is counter-productive (even if it goes really well, do you want to commit to someone with no faith in the Lord?).

An understood "group date" also means that no one is left alone. On a group date, everyone has someone else to focus on, and no one ends up being the "loser" or "third wheel." Especially for men, I know it is painful and discouraging to be alone in a group setting where you are the only guy not connecting with one of the ladies. I'd wager women feel the same way, but I can't really say. Even when I was making good connections with women in a group setting, it was always hard to watch a buddy sitting by on the sidelines, ignored. On a group date, everyone (ideally) knows who they are "with." That avoids a lot of unnecessary heartache.

At any rate, I promise that those of you who do date, even if it is a painful experience, will find that experience to be of great value, especially when you are married. I always say that, "Ideally, only one date ever leads to marriage." That means every date that fails to go anywhere brings you one step closer to the one that does!

I dated a lot before I met my wife in 2006, and when I met her we didn't immediately get married. In fact, I dated many other women after meeting her, and I even got engaged once before we reconnected in 2008. My engagement fell apart, but rather than despairing, I decided to "get back on the horse" and start dating again after a month or so of solitary time with the Lord. My engagement was broken around late January, 2008. I started dating again in March that same year, after realizing that I couldn't let despair and depression rule me forever, even after losing a very close relationship with a woman I loved. The human heart has a tremendous capacity for love, though, and that capacity is rarely used 100%.

For those of you who are bitter with dating, courting, relationships, or failures with the opposite sex generally, let me encourage you: just when you think you've fallen off a cliff, when things seem as though they cannot get any worse, that is the time to act! God LOVES to see His children pick themselves up and move forward in the faith and security that He is with them. If you fall down, then pick yourself up, because in those most disabling, painful moments of our life, when we have done all that we can think to do to no success, when we realize finally that we cannot do it alone, that is when God moves.

The months of January and February of 2008 were among the most painful in my entire life. My heart was shattered, and I felt at times as though my existence was utterly devoid of meaning and value - Jehovah God begged to differ. As I prayed through my pain and studied the Word, I begged God to either: (a) heal my broken heart and immediately send me a loving wife to end my loneliness; or (b) to bring me to be with Him in Heaven. God chose option "C," which is His prerogative.

The Lord doesn't have to answer prayers, but He does. The thing is, the Lord isn't bound or required to answer our prayers in the way(s) that we think He should. The Lord spoke to me in many ways during that darkest of hours, when I was hiding alone at home from the entire world, but the message was clear: "GET UP" and "GO NOW."

God is a loving, heavenly parent. Sometimes His love is tough. I asked God, in my despair, to solve my situation for me. God impressed it upon my heart that: (1) He had not abandoned me; (2) He loved me; (3) He appreciated my efforts in seeking a spouse; and (4) that my work in this area was not finished - there was a bit more left to do before my work was done.

The Lord didn't promise to drop Mrs. Right in my lap, especially if I continued to despair, grovel, and do nothing to pursue her. That's Biblical, by the way: prolonged despair and depression are not befitting a Christian, and they demonstrate a lack of faith (though that is an entire blog entry of its own). Instead, God wanted me to show continued faith by exerting further effort, which He blessed immensely. I reluctantly left my house one Wednesday night and went back to the singles group at church, began chatting again on Facebook, etc.

Inside of a week of leaving "my hole," I was asked out on a date by a nice girl (talk about Naomi-and-Ruth-style courage on her part). We went on two dates that never went anywhere, really (she and I just had differnet goals). Then I scheduled a date with a nice girl from my church. That date never happened because my wife-to-be flew in from out of state that same week to visit mutual friends. I seized the moment to ask her out to dinner, and I was never single again. We met in March, and we were married in August of 2008 (yes - we just had ourone-year anniversary, thank you).

I kept on knocking at the door, and, after years of dating, God opened one. Now I have friends who envy my amazing wife who is faithful, beautiful, artistic, classy, sensitive, supportive, and who makes me breakfast every single morning, even though I never asked. That last part still blows my mind. I never used to eat breakfast when I was single, but what man turns down the world's greatest sausage-egg-cheese muffins?

You reap what you sow, so I urge you all to plant as many seeds as you can in this area. Next to your relationship with God, marriage is the single-most important relationship/commitment that you, as a Christian, will ever make. Whether it is dating, group dating, courtship, or something else: get moving! Eternity in Heaven is promised to us, but eternity on Earth is not, so time here is limited. If you don't want to be alone in this life, then start making plans now to meet the man or woman you will one day marry. You may meet and marry someone with very little effort, or (like with me) it may take a lot, but some effort is necessary, and the more effort you sow before you are married, the more benefits you will reap afterwards.

God loves you, and unless He told you to spend your life alone, it's not His plan for your life (Gen 2:18). God doesn't want you to be lonely, but He may need you to learn some things before He blesses you with a loving spouse. I know that, being hard-headed, God used dating as an opportunity to teach me, through multiple failures, how to be a husband worthy of the wife He wanted to bless me with. Praise to God for not answering my prayer before I was ready to receive the blessing! My wife would have hated the man I was before I learned these things, but thanks to God's wisdom and timing, I am a different man now than I was.

I pray that you all find the happiness in marriage that I am so blessed with. Praise God!

A real toughie...

This verse is convicting for me: "A fool shows his annoyance at once,but a prudent man overlooks an insult" (Prov 12:16, NIV).

I've been slow in posting during my first year of marriage, partly because my life has so radically changed (for the better to be sure). Regardless of how much I love my family and friends, this verse encapsulates the very heart of my problems when it comes to conflict: how quickly do I let my annoyance, anger, and other negative emotions show?

One of the things that makes a marriage (or any relationship) work, is learning to overlook an insult. When that isn't possible, it is at least pragmatic to keep our emotions internal? When does showing others our anger and annoyance truly improve the situation? It might help you win the argument by discouraging your opponent, but that discouragement will cost you the war at the expense of the battle: winning an argument is worthless if, in doing so, the relationship is damaged.

This verse should compel us all to be more patient with our loved ones. After all, who wants to be a fool?

A reply to Jessica on dating.

This post is a reply to the comments made by Jessica regarding our previous post on dating, all of which you can read here.


Hey Jessica,

First, there's really no need to apologize for the length of your comments - I enjoyed reading them, and I like writing long comments myself. Blogger really needs to get over these space limits.
Also, I think you've mistaken the point of this blog entry, which isn't to bash Josh Harris, but to define "dating" and to question the animosity that I have personally witnessed toward "dating" in the Christian community. The point is that dating has a lot of merits, and it's not the evil institution that many leaders make it out to be. I think Harris approach, which lacks consistency and is, therefore, hard to define, analyze, or to follow, has many elements similar to dating. On the whole, I believe his approach shelters people way too much, though Harris' approach might be practical for minors (this blog is typically directed at an 18+ crowd) who may be too young to date safely, maturely, and purely.

This blog is free to read, and I am not selling anything (though I have considered one day writing a book on this subject)On the whole, for adults, I believe dating is an opportunity worthy of investigation. It will not harm me if people read this entry on dating and completely disregard it, but I hope they at least consider it. So often wisdom is contrary to our human, fleshly nature (e.g. you must die to live), and isn't the easy path typically the wrong path? Dating is NEVER easy, and it requires a lot of courage.

This blog entry is not about me claming that dating is Bible-mandated. The point I am making is that dating is a wise, logical approach not prohibited by the Bible. I believe that dating is a very difficult and often scary enterprise, filled with risks of rejection and setbacks, but also I believe that the benefits far outpace the costs. I don't advise anyone to try it without a lot of prayer, time in the Word, and conscious goal-planning, but in my experience, and the experience of others I know, dating gets positive results. The vast majority of the happily married Christian couples I know dated before they got engaged, even if they already knew each other. I am blissfully married because God blessed my efforts in dating and relationships: I tried, then I failed, then I learned, then I changed, then I tried again. I repeated that process hundreds of times before meeting an marrying my wife. Others I know have found the process much less arduous, and many of my friends only went on a couple of dates before meeting their spouses. I think the timing often has a lot to do with God using the dating process to teach us how to better interact with members the opposite sex before getting married to one. As a happily married man, I can tell you that the experiences I gained dating other women have helped me immensely in learning how to better love my wife and how to be a better husband, generally.

You will never regret the experience you accummulate dating after you are married unless you sinned while dating. Dating brought me positive experience in understanding women and how to relate to them. It helped me learn how to be affectionate during a heated argument rather than shouting. It helped me learn not to take my wife for granted. The most important experience was in learning how to communicate more effectively with women, which experience paid dividends when I got married. Also, my dating experience taught me just how many of Satan's lies our culture has boought into, especially when it comes to our perceptions of the opposite sex, love, relationships, and especially marriage.

You seem a bit tense in your words, Jessica, if not with me, then maybe with dating or relationships - I don't know. Your comment seemed to reply to things I have not said. For instance, I never called anyone "silly," I only indicated that something my wife's friend said was silly. We all say silly things at times, but that does not make us "silly people." That may seem like a minor point, but I want it to be clear that my judgment was of this girl's statement, not the girl herself. She's a believer with a good heart, and I certainly meant no offense to her.

Also, you wrote, "Why not, instead, invite both girls along out to eat, as well as another guy or two..." In my entire article, I never made the case that group activities were a bad. Obviously, we must meet people before we can date them. I think group activities, especially those organized by a Bible-believing church, are an excellent way to meet and get to know members of the opposite sex BEFORE dating them. Also, I don't distinguish between group outings and group dates, except possibly to say that the latter involves an interest that the former possibly does not. I am only opposed to group activities as an absolute alternative to dating, because I really do believe that eventually two people of the opposite sex need to spend time alone together before making any commitments. That's just good, practical advice: don't commit to someone you don't really know. You don't really know someone you've never spent time alone with. Trust me: men and women act differently in group settings. However, that said, Jessica, meeting a man in a group environment is a good idea if only for safety sake. I would never advise you to spend time alone with a man you only barely know (unless it was in a public place with proper precautions).

The question is, where does your animosity to dating really come from? If the answer if fear of rejection or emotional hurt, then I advise you to consider whether you really want to make decisions based out of fear. So often in life, nothing ventured truly is nothing gained. Dating requires a degree of boldness that doesn't come easily to everyone. I think an sxcellent case can be made for dating. Is dating right for everyone? I am not prepared to go that far, but it seems that more people avoid dating out of silly reasons or fearful reasons than Biblical or logical reasons. What do I define as silly? Well, for one thing, outcome determanitive reasonins. You made the point that, if my friend remains single, that God must have wanted her to be single.

That same, flawed logic is used to blame God for a host of problems that plague this world. Just because God has the power to manipulate and micromanage the world, doesn't mean he actually does take affirmative action to cause every bad thing that happens. If a man smokes all his life then dies from lung cancer,is God to blame? Of course not: he reaped the results of the bad setwardship over his body. Now, God may decide to intervene to save that man from lung cancer, but it is ridiculous to think that God preordained that man to die simply by refusing to work a miracle.

Similarly, I don't believe God does causes people to be alone (at least not in most cases) - people suffer the consequences of their own decisions to act or to refrain from acting, and loneliness is a consequence of failing to make an effort to find someone to spend your life with. In my life, God has worked more miracles in areas where I was making an effort than in areas where I was doing nothing to change my problem. God does not appreciate laziness.

If you take nothing else away from this entry, then I suggest that you consider this: if dating doesn't work for you, then that's fine and dandy, but don't play the "waiting game." Find an alternative approach to dating and pursue it. I have a lot of friends and family (adults) who have never been married that want to be married, and the first question I ask them is what are you doing to pursue that goal? Most of them don't know what to say - they're waiting on God to perform a miracle, I suppose. Doing something is far better than doing nothing.

I doubt any farmer waits on God to make crops grow in his field if he never planted any seeds. Similarly, unless God actively tells you to wait for him to deliver a spouse, you had better be confident that waiting is a Biblical mandate. God will not be mocked, and We reap what we sow (Gal 6:7-8). If we sow nothing, then we shall reap nothing.

No man an island...

"If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!"

-Ecclesiastes 4:10, NIV.

More than anything, we men love to believe that we can be an island unto ourselves, independent and self-reliant, but maybe that isn't so good a thing as it sounds:

"Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment" (Prov18:1).

We buy into the illusion, or perhaps the delusion, of our own independence, as if it is within our power to plan for every calamity and disaster. When we are relying on ourselves to succeed, then so often we fail to avail ourselves of the help God intended and purposed for us. Pride makes accepting help so difficult, but then pride precedes the fall does it not?

"Before his downfall a man's heart is proud, but humility comes before honor" (Prov 18:12, NIV).

We are living in a day when the pride of men is constantly being dashed by economic hardship, unemployment, depression, and failure. It is an awful feeling to fail at something, especially when you are trying so hard to be an island, refusing help from anyone or from anywhere that is offered.

It is foolish pride, though, to refuse the help the Lord sends our way. "Pity the man who falls and has no man to help him," the Bible tells us. Why do men have no one to help them when they fall? It seems pride is at least one major reason.

The best way to apply this truth is to consider yourself blessed when others

genuinely offer assistance. Sometimes assistance comes in the most obvious form: money. Other times, a man falls not from financial hardship but due to his own ignorance or foolishness, in which case his assistance may come in the form of wise advice/counsel or even a supportive ear. Sometimes reproof is the assistance we most need, but when it comes, do we cherish it or rebuke it?

You will most quickly find yourself standing again, following calamity, when you accept the help the Lord provides rather than looking for solutions from within yourself. Watch for genuine offers of assistance, and try to make the most of them. You can't do it alone, and, as a believer, you don't have to anymore. The Lord gave us each other, and the Lord gave us the Holy Spirit. Don't send them away then they arrive with your life line.

Free Legal Tip No.2: what type of help do I need?

Do you need legal advice? Do you need counseling? Do you need pastoral care? Do you need a mediator/arbitrator? Do you need a financial or tax advisor? This post is about how to determine what type of professional services you may need.

We all hope that we will never need "professional help." Most of us, however, will need professional help at some point in our life. Since professional services rarely come free, most of us would prefer to pay for only those professional services we actually need, but how do we really find out what those are?

First, it would be wise to start by identifying and examining your needs/desires. If you are starting a business, then you probably do not need emotional or trauma counseling (unless you are really stressed out by the prospect of starting a new business), but you will likely need legal, business, and/or financial advice/services. On the other hand, if you are a soldier returning home with post-traumatic stress disorder, then trauma counseling may be just what you need most.

Second, it would be wise to research who offers professional services/counseling that addresses the needs/desires that you have identified. If you are suffering from a heart attack, then an attorney will rarely help with your physical symptoms. If, however, your heart attack began when your vehicle was struck by a drunk driver, then an attorney may be able to help you obtain funds to cover your medical expenses and vehicle damage from either the drunk driver, his insurance company, or from your own insurance company (under an uninsured/under-insured motorist claim, for instance).

Third, it's always a good idea to decide which professionals to see in what order. In our heart attack example, it's probably a good idea to see a heart doctor at the hospital to address your medical needs and stabilize your condition before you go see an attorney about getting money to
pay your medical bills.

This may all seem obvious, but we have used clear-cut examples. Sometimes the line between the services offered by professionals is blurry. For instance, what if your spouse served you with divorce papers because he mistakenly believed you cheated on him? Believers might seek pastoral counseling to decide what God's Word encourages them to do. Marriage counselors also may try to help married couples deal with the emotional and psychological situation, and attorneys (legal counselors) may try to help the couple negotiate the terms of their reconciliation or separation. Anytime a couple reconciles, separates, or divorce, there are legal issues involving their material possession, wealth, and how to share or divide them (depending on whether they are reconciling or separating). Mediators are also useful to facilitate agreements between the couple, and financial/tax advisors can help deal with economic considerations.

Does every married couple need the services offered by all those professionals? The answer is that, while it is not necessarily true that they will need all the aforementioned services, it is possible that they will need some or all of them. How does our married couple know which professionals they need to consult about their issues? Remember our 3 steps above, and give careful consideration to them: (1) identify and examine the issues/problems; (2) research what professionals offer relevant services; and (3) decide who to see in what order.

A few tips on the first step:

• Be thorough in identifying the issues (sometimes it is human nature to ignore painful issues);
• Examine them carefully to see whether they are physical/medical issues, emotional issues, psychological issues, spiritual issues, financial issues, business issues, and/or legal issues;
• Be certain not to try and limit issues to being just one type of issue when it might fall under several categories; and
• Prioritize the issues by importance.

Once the first step is complete, keep the following in mind when handling step no. 2:

• Research does not have to be complicated - check first with people you trust that may be able to refer a professional s/he used in the past that provides the services you need;
• The Internet can be a valuable resource, but it should not be the end of your search - try to talk to the professionals you find in person or at least on the phone before retaining their services;
• Your insurer/employer can often provide referrals, especially to professionals covered by any insurance policies/employment benefits;
• Don't forget to research professionals for each type of service you may need;
• Research price upfront;
• Ask questions of any professional you hire;
• Be wary of professionals recommending other professionals (i.e. are they paid for their referrals by the recommended professional?);
• Get second or even third opinions/estimates;
• Get your agreement with the professional in writing; and
• Seek wise counsel.

Regarding step no. 3:

• Make certain you are in a healthy physical/spiritual position first;
• Prioritize your goals - sometimes certain things (especially in the legal and financial/business realms) have to be done within a certain time-frame or you lose/waive some right or thing, while other things that may seem most important to us can be handled just as well after seeing to things that involve time constraints;
• Keep an eye on the cost of services you receive (it rarely helps to get half of the services you need because you failed to budget for or negotiate services that you can actually afford or finance);
• While counseling for your mental and emotional health is great, do not let your legal rights go unprotected or otherwise expire while seeing a mental health professionals (otherwise you are just going to add more stress to your already impaired mental condition - remember that your psychologist does not necessarily understand that your legal rights may be waived by inaction or delay);
• Try, if you can, to think ahead and plan for the long term.

Example1: If you are chemically dependant on drugs, you may not want to get into trouble with the authorities, but you need to seek medical help first. Legal advice does little to help dead people (even estate planning must be completed, typically, while you are still alive). However, if the doctor says your condition is stable, you might want to delay checking into that rehab clinic for substance abuse counseling until you have spoken with an attorney (you might want to know, for instance, whether entering rehab will constitute a confession of illegal drug use that can subject you to criminal penalties or cost you your job). Also, talking to a financial advisor might be a good way to find out if financing that rehab clinic will put you into bankruptcy. There may be more cost-effective alternatives to that clinic in Beverly Hills you heard about on Entertainment Tonight. Also, will your treatment expenses be deductible on your next tax return?

Example 2: If you have kids, one of whom is disabled, and you are not in good health, then you probably need to consider estate and tax planning (I don't advise anyone to wait until their health is bad to do estate planning). First, you need to be alive long enough to do the planning, so check with your physician first. Second, your condition (and also the disability of your child) is a red flag that you might need to do some medicaid planning (tricky stuff). Attorney offer estate and medicaid planning advice/services. Some estate planning attorneys will do your gift/estate tax and other tax planning themselves, especially if it is a smaller estates. Other times, the attorney may need to consult a tax professional or accountant when planning your estate. However, accountants and tax professionals cannot do your estate plan alone, so it's best to go to the attorney first. If the attorney will need to consult with another professional, then you may want to inquire about the costs involved. Perhaps you can negotiate the fees or even recommend a more cost-effective provider. Finally, you may need to consult with a mental/emotional care provider (i.e. counselor, therapist) to deal with the stresses and anxiety of planning your estate (some people are really disturbed by the process of planning for death). Your church elders/pastors, if wise and faithful, can likely help you in different ways at every step of this process (by recommending professionals, by praying with you, and by helping you weigh the options).

***Disclaimer: I am an attorney, but I am not YOUR attorney, meaning that the advice in this blog post is general advice for the masses and not tailored to anyone's specific needs/concerns/issues. I advise anyone with a legal question or a conflict to speak with an attorney and give that attorney the benefit of all the facts. Obviously, the best legal advice will come from a skilled and trustworthy attorney fully acquainted with the situation you are facing rather than someone offering legal tips on a blog.

Free Legal Tip No. 1: Avoid Court by Making Peace

If you are reading ATI (this blog), then you most likely believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, made flesh, and sacrificed for our sins. Assuming this is true, then you should be aware that Jesus had a few things to say about resolving conflicts. I am writing this post not only because I am interested in the subject personally and professionally, but also because I believe that many if not most churches have dropped the ball in this area.

To start the ball rolling again, lets look at Christ's words:

" 15If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18Truly, I say to you,whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven" (Matt 18:15-18).

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God" (Matt 5:9).

These verses are famous. Notice, these scripture are not directed at non-believers. They are a command to children of God to resolve their disputes in a way that is different from how the secular world resolves its disputes. When was the last time you heard of or saw someone take a dispute before the church body or leadership? Again, many churches have dropped the ball, but so have many believers. After all, the process starts with the believer, not with the church.

First, Christ advises us to attempt to resolve disputes among believers privately, by discussion between just the persons involved (see Matt 18:15). If a private discussion does not resolve the dispute, then Christ advises us to bring it before 1 or 2 other believers (Matt 18:16), but if the conflict continues, then Christ advises us to take it before the Church (Matt 18:17). Where someone refuses to listen to the Church, Christ advises us to treat him in the same fashion as a non-believer (Matt 18:17). Regardless, Christ has taught us that those who seek first to make peace shall be blessed (Matt 5:9).

As an attorney, I often see people, even believers, taking others to court. Often, the decision to sue someone is a person's immediate reaction to a conflict/dispute, and that is unfortunate. It is true that I get paid to handle litigation (civil lawsuits), but it is also true that I get paid to help people find less expensive, less damaging ways to resolve their problems. My favorite method is "Christian conciliation," which is a fancy way of saying: resolve your disputes Biblically!

There are many reasons to look to the Bible when presented with a dispute. The first is, obviously, to please, honor, and glorify God. Every conflict/dispute is an opportunity to for those involved to glorify God by following His Word. A second reason to resolve a dispute Biblically is that the Bible promises that persons striving to make peace will be blessed (Matthew 5 does not qualify that statement). Probably, any remaining advantages to Biblical resolution of disputes/conflicts flow from that blessing. However, to be more specific, there are three more really good reasons to resolve your disputes Biblically: (1) it works; and (2) it focuses on reparining damaged relationships not just chasing money; and (3) it is almost always cheaper/more cost-effective than going to court.

The following is a common fee structure for a superior court in Georgia: $85 to file for divorce; $80 for other civil actions (including business disputes and personal injuries); and $25 each time the sheriff has to serve someone with process (at least once per each defendant in a lawsuit). These fees are in addition to those of your attorney. Attorneys handle most cases on an hourly rate or a flat rate based on a projected number of hours at an hourly rate, so the longer it takes to resolve your dispute, the more it will cost you.

Litigation begins with the filing of a complaint and continues through judgment and all appeals. This process can take years to complete. The discovery (investigation) phase alone can last up to 6 months or more. While litigation might result in you receiving a money judgment, there is never a guarantee you will win. If you lose, then you are worse off than when you started. If you win, you may still get a judgment for an amount less than the cost of bringing the lawsuit, making the lawsuit a waste of time and money. Even if you get a huge judgment, it has to be collected, and it is tough to "squeeze blood out of a turnip," so to speak.

So, what is the Biblical alternative? First, try to work out your disputes privately, just like Christ encouraged. Often, conflicts can just be "taked out." Sometimes, in more difficult situations, negotiation resulting in a written agreement can be used to both prevent and settle disputes (it is often helpful, even at this stage, to get a legal professional to actually draft any written agreements to ensure that they will work in court, but you can also do it yourself).

If you cannot resolve a conflict with a fellow believer privately, then get a couple brothers/sisters from church to listen to all sides and help you work out the dispute. If that doesn't work, then get your pastor and the church involved. Surely you trust men and women of God to judge your dispute more than you would a secular judge/jury?

If none of these options work, then Christ tells us treat that opponent as a non-believer (assuming s/he is a believer to begin with). When that happens, it is time to discuss your options with an attorney (if you have not done so already). Remember, if you truly cannot afford to hire an attorney - there are non-profit organizations like Legal Aid available to assist you.

A good attorney will listen to your problem and walk you through the pros and cons of each option available to you (as opposed to just telling you what to do with no explanation). A good attorney should also advise you that there are alternatives to litigation and courts, even when dealing with non-believers. Your attorney can often negotiate a settlement or help you in obtaining a mediation or arbitration of the dispute. Mediation involves sitting down with a skilled mediator who listens to both sides and helps them find a mutually agreeable solution to the problem that the parties sign off on as a legally binding settlement. Arbitration is an alternative to litigation and trials where an arbitrator hears both sides and issues and issues a legally binding decision (much like a judge).

If you hire a Christian attorney (I know we're rare, but we do exist), then he will (hopefully) introduce you to Peacemaker Ministries (http://www.peacemaker.net/), which provides believers with Christian mediation and arbitration services that will focus on repairing the relationships involved rather than just the conflicts.

As a last resort, you can still take your opponent(s) to court. Christ advises us treat believers who refuse to resolve their disputes Biblically as though they were non-believers. Sometimes, it is best to "turn the other cheek," but this does not always result in making peace. Peacemakers are blessed, not peacefakers (the term "peacefaker" was coined by Ken Sande, president of Peacemaker Ministries and author of "The Peacemaker").

Ignoring a continuing, ongoing dispute is not making but faking peace by turning a blind eye to the conflict. There are disputes that have to be actively resolved, and "turning the other cheek" does not mean that we can just ignore all our problems until they go away. I could write a whole post on discerning which disputes can be overlooked and which ones cannot, but suffice it to say that there are disputes/conflicts (such as physical abuse, marital strife, employment disputes...) that must be resolved and cannot be overlooked if peace is to be made. When such a conflict arises, it is always wise to seek the Lord's will first. It is also wise, when someone is physically hurting you, to immediately seek legal counsel and judicial intervention to keep you safe until a solution is found and peace can be made.

Whatever you decide, remember that, as a Christian, we must consider both what gives glory to God and what will result in peace. Often the best way to discern what will give God glory in a situation is to read His Word, mediate upon it, and to pray. God will lead you out of the darkness.

Bottom line: going to court isn't cheap, and while it might get you some money, it rarely glorifies God or repairs any damage to the relationships involved. Also, there are usually alternatives available that are more efficient and cost-effective.

***Disclaimer: I am an attorney, but I am not YOUR attorney, meaning that the advice in this blog post is general advice for the masses and not tailored to anyone's specific needs/concerns/issues. I advise anyone with a legal question or a conflict to speak with an attorney and give that attorney the benefit of all the facts. Obviously, the best legal advice will come from a skilled and trustworthy attorney fully acquainted with the situation you are facing rather than someone offering legal tips on a blog.

What is "dating" anyway?

Here is a deceptively simple-sounding question that many people get wrong: "What is dating?"

From dictionary.com:

"v. dat·ed, dat·ing, dates v. tr.
To mark or supply with a date: date a letter.
To determine the date of: date a fossil.
To betray the age of: Pictures of old cars date the book.
To go on a date or dates with" [emphasis supplied].

So, at a minimum, "dating" means to "go on a date or dates with" another. Wow - that is profound is it not? So, wait a minute - does that mean "dating" isn't the same thing as. say, a "relationship?" Well, relationships are another topic for another blog, but suffice it to say, people in relationships do go on dates, but it doesn't logically follow that everyone who goes on a date is automatically in a relationship.

You may ask, "What does a blog about 'Applied Truth & Interest' have to do with the proper definition of dating?" What wonderful question! Rather than redirecting you to my initial blog post, which covers the rather wide subject matter for this blog, which I call "ATI," suffice it to say that the Lord has truth for every subject, and it is my firm belief that the Church needs a strong does of truth on the subject of dating. To illustrate why, I am going to share a story with you, my plethora of readers...

My best friend is "single," but he periodically goes on dates with different women in hopes of, eventually, finding that one woman who will convince him to forever abandon bachelorhood. When he visits us from out of state, as he often does, my wife and I like to try to arrange a "date" for him with one or more Christian girls we know in the area. Why do we do this? First, because we are trying desperately to convince him to move to Georgia. Second, we do this because we believe that my friend is that rare sort of man who will actually make a good and Godly husband for his wife, when the time comes. We think our great female friends deserve a shot at an honest, hard-working, fashionable, and extremely intelligent friend, who we love like a blood brother. We also want to see our friends happy. After all, God himself saw that it is not good for man to be alone (Gen 2:18).

This sounds like a great idea, but here's the catch: modern Christian "religion" has come out very strongly against "dating." Illustration: on my friend's last visit (yes - I am intentionally avoiding the use of his name), my wife attempted to arrange a date with two different girls she knows. Both of these girls are, to the best of my knowledge, the real deal: single, avid lovers of Christ. One girl jumped at the opportunity (kudos to her). The other, however, said something very silly to my wife that I have been hearing more and more from other Christians in the past few years - Christians who are otherwise sensible, intelligent people.

The second girl, however, told my wife that, "I have never been on a date before, and I am very proud of that. I am waiting." Waiting for what? I don't know. I hope she is waiting for God to send the right man her way, which at least demonstrates that she has a rational grasp of what it is that she wants in life. Unfortunately, she has absolutely no idea of what she would do if God were to deliver that man to her doorstep tomorrow, because she has never been on a date...

Perhaps more to the point, this young woman was proud of her naivete. She was proud that she had no practical experience relating to men as potential suitors! If tomorrow God sent a genuinely great man to her doorstep, what would she do? Say this great man is truly the "one" that God has in store for her - what next? If they are destined to be married, I hate to disappoint, but odds are any decent guy is going to want to start small and go on a date before dashing to the altar and exchanging rings.

I credit a large part of the silliness surrounding dating to a very kind-hearted, well-intentioned man named Joshua Harris (check his entry out on Wikepdia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joshua_Harris). Please make no mistake, I am not attacking this dedicated man of God. However, his book, "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye," has sold over a million copies. His other book, "Boy Meets Girl," was also a hit (I myself was once given a copy of it by an ex-girlfriend shortly after breaking up with her). However, sometimes I think that all Christians ever read of Mr. Harris' book are the titles. Josh Harris never suggested that Christians avoid dating; rather, he wrote about a suggested, alternative approach, which he calls "courtship." I call it semantics, and I believe that "courting" is, essentially, "dating." What he did correctly was suggest that dating should be done from a Christian perspective, with goals and approaches that honor and glorify God.

Mr. Harris' mistake was in trusting people to read more than the front cover of a book. The title, "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye," when used by a Christian author, misleadingly implies that dating, in any form, is unbiblical or even sinful. Of course, a mere glance at Mr. Harris' quotes on the Wikipedia page for "How I Kissed Dating Goodbye"
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Kissed_Dating_Goodbye) reveals that was not his intention. He was trying to help believers who have suffered the pains of secular dating find a Biblical alternative.

Here's the point: introducing the Bible to any situation is a positive approach. However, to suggest that there is a pain-free approach to dating is not Biblical. There is no such thing as a life with out pain or disappointment. There is a life of hope, however, that the Lord will NEVER leave you nor forsake you (see the latter half of Heb 13:5).

Jeremiah 32:17 proclaims, "O Sovereign Lord! You have made the heavens and earth by Your great power. Nothing is too hard for You!" How many of you believe that "nothing" includes guiding you safely through dating and relationships to marriage? How many are willing to believe that God will ease their suffering at rejection or disappointment?

Some of you aren't there yet, though. Like the girl from my story, you are "waiting." What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for God to do all the work for you? Maybe he will, but Ruth didn't bet on that. Read the 3rd chapter of the book of Ruth: when Ruth received a word of God-inspired counsel from Naomi, her mother-in-law from a deceased husband, Ruth seized it. Naomi saw that Ruth desired Boaz, so what was Naomi's advice? Check it out:

"Wash therefore and anoint yourself, and put on your cloak and go down to the threshing floor, but do not make yourself known to the man until he has finished eating and drinking. But when he lies down, observe the place where he lies. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down, and he will tell you what to do" (Ruth 3:3-4).

Ruth didn't just wait for God to do all the work for her. She accepted wise, Godly counsel, and trusted the Lord to walk with her as she followed through with Naomi's instructions. What happened? "At midnight the man was startled and turned over, and behold, a woman lay at his feet! He said, 'Who are you?' And she answered, 'I am Ruth, your servant'" (Ruth 3:8-9). Boaz told Ruth not to fear (3:11), and the next several passages reveal the story of their marriage and Ruth's redemption (another topic for another blog).

Naomi told Ruth to stop waiting and go to Boaz. She didn't tell Ruth to wait for God to deliver Boaz directly to the altar. Would God have just dropped Boaz in Ruth's lap had she not seized the moment and followed Naomi's advice?

I obviously don't know for certain what might have been, but I believe that God often uses means other than outright miracles to act. In this story, the Lord used Naomi, who encouraged Ruth to actively pursue Boaz (see Ruth 3:1-2). Obviously, this was well with the Lord, because from this union came Obed, then Jesse, and, then, David. That's right: without Ruth's willingness to approach a man, there would have been no David. Can you imagine the Bible without David the King, father of Solomon?

Lets not overstate the case, though. Every marriage does not result in the birth of a critical world leader, but I do believe that God has a plan for each of us. You will be hard-pressed to find many examples in the Bible of God acting without any participation from man. There are miracles, yes, but even with the parting of the Red Sea, God required some minimal participation from Moses in extending his staff (Exodus 14:16). Both Jonah and Elijah fled from tasks appointed them by the Lord, but the Lord would not act without them. Whatever else you might believe about God's plan, he has a role for us to play in it. Certainly, the Lord does not need our participation, but he obviously desires it.

So what does all this have to do with dating? "Dating," for purposes of the advice I am about to give, means "to go on dates," which simply means spending time with and getting to know someone of the opposite sex. Like Josh Harris, I encourage you to approach dating from a Biblical perspective and to put God's goals for dating, relationships, and marriage before your own, selfish desires.

Good advice on dating and relationships, for some reason, is a difficult thing for Christians to find. In my own dating experience, before getting married, I learned for myself that Christian advice on how to date (rather than how to avoid it), is in very short supply. My advice, and this comes from experience, is to always trust the Lord, and to always be bold like Ruth.

Granted, Ruth didn't have to look long for Boaz, but then she got really good advice didn't she? Naomi didn't play around - she told Ruth to go lay at a man's feet when he's in a good, rested mood. When I was single, that would have worked on me ;)

Get the best advice you can on dating. It may not be mine: talk to your pastor. Show him this blog entry, and ask him what he thinks. All I am advising with this post is this: don't stick your head in the mud and expect God to deliver the love of your life to your doorstep, hog-tied, and bearing an engagement ring. Instead, consider going on a date. Whether you are a man or a woman reading this, if you aren't willing to invite someone on a date, then at least be willing to say "yes" when asked. If you don't do the asking, then you'll obviously be limited to choosing from those who ask you.

Also consider that "dating" doesn't necessarily mean relationships or require any sexual immorality. It means meeting someone and getting to know him or her better, with the assumption that there is the potential (but not a guarantee) for something more later on. Sometimes the 1st date is the last one you will ever go on, but for most people it takes a little more than that. Consider, however, that you will ideally only marry one of the people you date, so don't go in expecting every date (or every relationship for that matter) to lead to marital bliss. That is setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment.

Instead, I encourage you to see dating as a chance to have some fun with someone while getting to know him/her better. Breathe easy, because you know upfront that the odds are against any given date being the one that leads to marriage, or even a relationship/commitment. Why would you expect that before you've even had a first date? There's a good chance you will be the one who doesn't want to go any further than date #1. Ergo, I am recommending that you remove the pressure by adjusting your expectations to a more realistic level.

If dating were gardening, then go on the date, have fun, and think of it as a seed planted. Don't plant just one seed, don't sit and obsess over the seed or wait on it to grow, and don't get mad at the seed if it never grows at all. All we can do is plant our seeds, water and feed them, then leave it to God to decide which seeds grow and how much. After we've done our part, we can rest easy knowing that the rest is in God's capable hands. Remember, this is the God that never leaves nor forsakes you.

I planted a few seeds in my time. I dated a lot, had a few relationships, and got engaged twice. I got married once. I believe now, looking back, that through those past dates, relationships, and through the one engagement that didn't result in marriage, God taught me things in each of those situations - things that he wanted me to learn before I could be a good husband to one of His daughters.

Don't be arrogant. We all need to learn things about relating to the opposite sex before we get married, some of us more than others. Dating is a tool. If you hit your thumb with a hammer, does it make sense to curse the hammer? Okay, so some of us have done that. Still, it makes no sense to condemn dating because we get hurt doing it. Ultimately, the pain has less to do with "dating" and more to do with the people involved.

And, if anyone reading this blog is a single Christian girl in need of a date, I have this great friend...



UPDATE (9/2009): an in-depth reply to the in-depth comment of Jessica below may be found here.

What is "truth," and where does it come from?

"What is truth?" That's the question. Believe it or not, this is an easy question for any Christian believer to answer. For those interested in more than is written below, however, I highly recommend looking into Focus on the Family's "The Truth Project." That series, hosted by Dr. Del Tackett, has been a true inspiration to me, and, more importantly, a real eye-opener.

I have said that the truth is God's and that he has revealed it to man in the Bible. If one believes that God is the Creator of all things, as I believe, then what greater authority can there be on the issue of truth? Who knows more about the truth than the Lord who created all things, including the very concept of truth.

John 18:32-38, cited below in the English Standard Version ("ESV") and copy/pasted from biblegateway.com, contains a starting revelation for many believers:

"33(AN) So Pilate entered his headquarters again and called Jesus and said to him,(AO) 'Are you the King of the Jews?' 34Jesus answered, 'Do you say this of your own accord, or did others say it to you about me?' 35Pilate answered, 'Am I a Jew? Your own nation and the chief priests have delivered you over to me. What have you done?' 36Jesus answered, (AP) 'My kingdom(AQ) is not of this world. If my kingdom were of this world,(AR) my servants would have been fighting, that(AS) I might not be delivered over to the Jews. But my kingdom is not from the world.' 37Then Pilate said to him, 'So you are a king?' Jesus answered, (AT) 'You say that I am a king.(AU) For this purpose I was born and for this purpose(AV) I have come into the world—(AW) to bear witness to the truth.(AX) Everyone who is(AY) of the truth(AZ) listens to my voice.' 38Pilate said to him, 'What is truth?' After he had said this,(BA) he went back outside to the Jews and told them,(BB) 'I find no guilt in him' [emphasis supplied].

It is important for all believers to know that the saving grace they enjoy and are so eager to share is but a part of Christ's purpose, which was to testify to the truth. The most important thing we can realize about Christ is that he had an absolute grasp of the truth, and he came to this Earth as God-made-flesh to share it with us. This is so important because, for those of us who follow Christ and accept his testimony (to the truth), Christ said (to those present at the Mount of Olives) that the truth will set them free (John 8:31).

Of course, many Jews questioned this at first. They reminded Christ that they, themselves, had never been slaves to anyone. They also reminded Christ that they were Jews, the heirs of Abraham. Christ replied to them in the excerpt from John 8 below:

"34Jesus answered them, 'Truly, truly, I say to you,(BF) everyone who commits sin is a slave[b] to sin. 35(BG) The slave does not remain in the house forever;(BH) the son remains forever. 36So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. 37I know that you are offspring of Abraham; yet(BI) you seek to kill me because my word finds no place in you. 38(BJ) I speak of what I have seen with my Father, and you do what you have heard(BK) from your father,'" [emphasis supplied].

We are all in bondage, whether we realize it or not. Christ said that those who commit sin are slaves to it. He told them that the truth he testifies to shall set them free. When Christ told Pilate this, Pilate may have said "What is truth," but when he addressed the crowd after confronting Christ about the Jews' accusations, Pilate told them that he could find no fault in Jesus and offered to free him.

Those Jews at the Mount of Olives, having heard this same message about the truth, continued to question their bondage to sin. Like many Jews today, they believed that their inheritance from Abraham made them true, free sons of God. They argued this point with Jesus - that they were born of God, not of sexual immorality or sin. Again, Christ replied to their contentions in John 8:

"42Jesus said to them, (BR) 'If God were your Father, you would love me, for(BS) I came from God and(BT) I am here.(BU) I came not of my own accord, but(BV) he sent me. 43(BW) Why do you not understand what I say? It is because you cannot(BX) bear to hear my word. 44(BY) You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires.(BZ) He was a murderer from the beginning, and(CA) has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him.(CB) When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. 45But because I tell the truth, you do not believe me. 46Which one of you convicts me of sin? If I tell the truth, why do you not believe me? 47(CC) Whoever is of God hears the words of God.(CD) The reason why you do not hear them is that(CE) you are not of God.'"

We are not born into this world of God with an automatic instinct to do His will and works. Rather, Christ revealed to those at the Mount of Olives that they were born into this world with an instinct to sin. Reading carefully, Jesus made the point that Satan is the "father of lies" who "has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him." Why is that so important?

Because Satan keeps us in bondage to sin with lies. That is Satan's greatest tool against mankind: Satan uses lies that distort God's truth. Satan's deceptions have twisted God's truth to where our post-modern culture abhors it, and it causes even believers to sin.

Look at the issue of marriage: the Bible says that a wife should submit to her husband as to the Lord (Eph 5:22), but Satan has sold the world and some believers the lie that submission is a negative action, resulting in injustice and prejudice.

Go back to John 8 and see for yourself in verse 42 (cited above). Did Christ choose to come to Earth of his own desire? No - he did so because that was the will of God the Father who sent him! Just as Christ submitted his entire life to God, the apostle Paul told wives, "Submit to your own husbands as to the Lord" (Eph 5:22). He also wrote, "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands" (Eph 5:24).

Is submission to God's plan a negative thing? Christ didn't think so, yet so many believers gloss over Paul's words or, worse still, attempt to explain them away. Rather than reconciling the world to Word, so many believers attempt to reconcile the Word to the world. The process of interpreting the Bible to make sense in light of our supposedly enlightened culture plays right into Satan's plans. To make the submission of a wife to her husband a negative, unjust concept, requires the believer to buy into Satan's lies. Remember what Christ said to the Jews at the Mount of Olives? He told them that they were of their father the devil and that was why they could not hear his words to them.

This is why the truth is so important. While we are listening to Satan's lies, we will sin, and while we sin, we will be a slave to it. Wives will attempt to rule over their husbands, which husbands will cease to abide by their command to love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Eph 5:25), and with that discontent between parents, soon their children will cease to respect and obey as commanded (Eph 6:1). After all, children tend to follow the example of their parents, and what example does a wife rebelling against her husband set for their children? What does a child learn from a father who has lost all love and respect for their mother?

If just one of Satan's lies can undo an entire family, then how many are we willing to believe before we see that Christ was right - it is the truth that sets us free from sin! Faith and obedience to Christ is not forced upon mankind. Choosing to submit our lives to Christ is a voluntary and very positive act. Christ does not ensnare men with lies and traps - Satan does. Those accepting Christ's testimony of truth realize that the only true freedom is in voluntarily submitting their lives to Jesus Christ. That is truth.

No one can serve 2 masters, for s/he will love one and despise the other (Matt 6:24). So choose this day whom you will serve (Josh 24:15), but remember that there is but one true God (Deut 4:35). Ignoring God's truth, or trying to explain it away, can result only in bondage to sin and Satan, the father of all sin. When that happens, you have already bought the lies.

So, I choose the truth, and I believe Christ is God, made flesh, who died for our sins. Like Joshua, I say to all of you that, as for me and my house, we choose to serve the Lord, for there is no other like him to be found.

And so it begins, with naught but a word of encouragement from my wife.

If something is worth doing, then it is worth doing well, or so my grandfather believed. I've learned a lot of things about a variety of topics from a lot of people: parents, grandparents, friends, loved ones, professors and paupers. I'd like to think that my greatest teacher has been the Lord, though I realize that I should spend far more time picking His brain.

Encouragement, however, is something that I have learned from three people: first, my mother encouraged me to like and appreciate myself, to have confidence and self-respect; second, my father encouraged me to believe that nothing is beyond my grasp if I work for it; and, third, my wife has encouraged me to take the first step.

My hope is that, one day, looking back on my life, people will care to ask me why, after so many abandoned attempts, I finally decided to write. Maybe, if I am blessed, they will ask what inspired me to do so. When that day comes, I will tell them that:

"It began, with naught but a word of encouragement from my wife, who convinced me that there were people out there who wanted to read the things I had to write."

No one subject compels or interest me above all others, and I find it hard to believe that people want to read what I might write about, but I try to take seriously the things my wife says. More so than myself, Stephanie has a feeling for what "normal" people do and think. Not being even remotely normal myself, I appreciate having her as a compass to point me in the correct direction. Personally, I think it is wisest to write about things that interest you, so that is what I intend to do until someone has a better idea.

Therefore, I intend to write about truth, religion, politics, law, relationships, dating, and marriage. If those subjects don't seem interrelated to you, my many prospective readers, then you probably do need to read some of the things I intend to write.

As an attorney, it could be said that I get paid to give advice. While I may write blogs that contain advice, any advice given cannot be taken as legal advice. If you want quality advice or counsel, you need to see an attorney in real life and let him/her advise you with the benefit of all the information you can give him/her (lies an omissions only hurt the advice-seeker, not the advisor). Nothing written on this site is intended as legal advice nor should it be relied upon as such. There is no attorney-client relationship between the author of this blog and any reader unless the author agrees, in writing, to such enter into such a relationship. Thanks.

Now that the disclaimer has been given, I will feel silly if no one reads my blog, but my wife believes someone will. And I trust my wife.