Dating revisited: a testimony of post-marriage benefits, coping with heartache, and sowing your efforts.

Many of you know that I am now married. Ironically, "dating" is never far from my mind. That may seem odd, but let me explain.

Living with a member of the opposite sex is difficult. For all the feminist garbage out there trying to make people believe that men and women are the same creation, the truth is that men and women, while of equal value to the Lord and the world, are vastly different creations, that think in vastly different ways. The most difficult part of being married, for me, has been learning to communicate effectively with my wife and in learning to cope with the reality that, as a woman, my wife has needs that I do not have.

To resolve these marital difficulties, I draw heavily upon my experiences in dating. I cannot tell you how useful even my failures in dating have been. As an example, I will share with you that many of my relationships ended because I got tired of listening to a woman whine about her problems while ignoring my practical advice for potential solutions. After a while, I realized that all women need release their emotional build-up, and they desire a patient, listening ear to assist them in getting that release.

My experience with dating and relationships taught me to see "venting" as more than just "whining." True, eventually venting becomes whining, but there is a time to suggest potential solutions to a women that is hurting, and there is a time to shut up and let her get something off her chest. This is an insight that has really been useful to me in marriage. I gained many other insights in dating that I use to understand and to "decode" my wife's words and behaviors.

I don't know if people really appreciate just how foreign women are to men, and vice versa. She says, "Is your breakfast okay," and she means, "Do you appreciate that I made you breakfast?" He says, "I liked your hair better when it was long," and she hears, "You're ugly." Neither is really understanding the other. We try so hard to understand members of the opposite sex based on our own way of thinking, but dating helped me realize the differences that reveal what is really going on in her mind.

Remember, dating, for purposes of this blog, is just the process of spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex. See the official ATI definition here. Suffice it to say, I am not suggesting that people date to practice the sort of physical intimacy that is Biblically reserved for marriage, and I encourage you all to abstain from sexual immorality. You cannot, however, learn about how to effectively interact and communicate with the opposite sex, one-on-one, in group settings. People behave differently in crowds than they do one-on-one. Protocol and good manners require different conduct in group conversations, for instance, versus one-on-one conversations. For those not willing to engage in one-on-one dating, you might consider group dating.

I don't see much difference between group activities and group dating except that, with group dating, there is an understanding that people are attending in pairs our couples. That understanding fosters and environment where people can pair off in separate conversations without being rude to the others that are being excluded, while retaining the accountability of a group presence. It's hard to go "too far" when you're with a group of Christian friends. As a side note, I don't advise Christians to date, or even group date, non-believers. For one thing, doing so is counter-productive (even if it goes really well, do you want to commit to someone with no faith in the Lord?).

An understood "group date" also means that no one is left alone. On a group date, everyone has someone else to focus on, and no one ends up being the "loser" or "third wheel." Especially for men, I know it is painful and discouraging to be alone in a group setting where you are the only guy not connecting with one of the ladies. I'd wager women feel the same way, but I can't really say. Even when I was making good connections with women in a group setting, it was always hard to watch a buddy sitting by on the sidelines, ignored. On a group date, everyone (ideally) knows who they are "with." That avoids a lot of unnecessary heartache.

At any rate, I promise that those of you who do date, even if it is a painful experience, will find that experience to be of great value, especially when you are married. I always say that, "Ideally, only one date ever leads to marriage." That means every date that fails to go anywhere brings you one step closer to the one that does!

I dated a lot before I met my wife in 2006, and when I met her we didn't immediately get married. In fact, I dated many other women after meeting her, and I even got engaged once before we reconnected in 2008. My engagement fell apart, but rather than despairing, I decided to "get back on the horse" and start dating again after a month or so of solitary time with the Lord. My engagement was broken around late January, 2008. I started dating again in March that same year, after realizing that I couldn't let despair and depression rule me forever, even after losing a very close relationship with a woman I loved. The human heart has a tremendous capacity for love, though, and that capacity is rarely used 100%.

For those of you who are bitter with dating, courting, relationships, or failures with the opposite sex generally, let me encourage you: just when you think you've fallen off a cliff, when things seem as though they cannot get any worse, that is the time to act! God LOVES to see His children pick themselves up and move forward in the faith and security that He is with them. If you fall down, then pick yourself up, because in those most disabling, painful moments of our life, when we have done all that we can think to do to no success, when we realize finally that we cannot do it alone, that is when God moves.

The months of January and February of 2008 were among the most painful in my entire life. My heart was shattered, and I felt at times as though my existence was utterly devoid of meaning and value - Jehovah God begged to differ. As I prayed through my pain and studied the Word, I begged God to either: (a) heal my broken heart and immediately send me a loving wife to end my loneliness; or (b) to bring me to be with Him in Heaven. God chose option "C," which is His prerogative.

The Lord doesn't have to answer prayers, but He does. The thing is, the Lord isn't bound or required to answer our prayers in the way(s) that we think He should. The Lord spoke to me in many ways during that darkest of hours, when I was hiding alone at home from the entire world, but the message was clear: "GET UP" and "GO NOW."

God is a loving, heavenly parent. Sometimes His love is tough. I asked God, in my despair, to solve my situation for me. God impressed it upon my heart that: (1) He had not abandoned me; (2) He loved me; (3) He appreciated my efforts in seeking a spouse; and (4) that my work in this area was not finished - there was a bit more left to do before my work was done.

The Lord didn't promise to drop Mrs. Right in my lap, especially if I continued to despair, grovel, and do nothing to pursue her. That's Biblical, by the way: prolonged despair and depression are not befitting a Christian, and they demonstrate a lack of faith (though that is an entire blog entry of its own). Instead, God wanted me to show continued faith by exerting further effort, which He blessed immensely. I reluctantly left my house one Wednesday night and went back to the singles group at church, began chatting again on Facebook, etc.

Inside of a week of leaving "my hole," I was asked out on a date by a nice girl (talk about Naomi-and-Ruth-style courage on her part). We went on two dates that never went anywhere, really (she and I just had differnet goals). Then I scheduled a date with a nice girl from my church. That date never happened because my wife-to-be flew in from out of state that same week to visit mutual friends. I seized the moment to ask her out to dinner, and I was never single again. We met in March, and we were married in August of 2008 (yes - we just had ourone-year anniversary, thank you).

I kept on knocking at the door, and, after years of dating, God opened one. Now I have friends who envy my amazing wife who is faithful, beautiful, artistic, classy, sensitive, supportive, and who makes me breakfast every single morning, even though I never asked. That last part still blows my mind. I never used to eat breakfast when I was single, but what man turns down the world's greatest sausage-egg-cheese muffins?

You reap what you sow, so I urge you all to plant as many seeds as you can in this area. Next to your relationship with God, marriage is the single-most important relationship/commitment that you, as a Christian, will ever make. Whether it is dating, group dating, courtship, or something else: get moving! Eternity in Heaven is promised to us, but eternity on Earth is not, so time here is limited. If you don't want to be alone in this life, then start making plans now to meet the man or woman you will one day marry. You may meet and marry someone with very little effort, or (like with me) it may take a lot, but some effort is necessary, and the more effort you sow before you are married, the more benefits you will reap afterwards.

God loves you, and unless He told you to spend your life alone, it's not His plan for your life (Gen 2:18). God doesn't want you to be lonely, but He may need you to learn some things before He blesses you with a loving spouse. I know that, being hard-headed, God used dating as an opportunity to teach me, through multiple failures, how to be a husband worthy of the wife He wanted to bless me with. Praise to God for not answering my prayer before I was ready to receive the blessing! My wife would have hated the man I was before I learned these things, but thanks to God's wisdom and timing, I am a different man now than I was.

I pray that you all find the happiness in marriage that I am so blessed with. Praise God!