"Nowhere in the Bible does it say..."

...that some action, inaction, thought, or activity is right or wrong solely because it isn't expressly mentioned by name in the Bible. What do I mean?

Yesterday in church, a male friend of mine made the point that, "Nowhere in the Bible does it tell husbands to hold their wives accountable to submit," the implication being that husbands are not permitted to hold their wives accountable for their duty to submit. This gentleman agreed that wives have a duty to submit, but he argued that it is the Lord's place alone to hold the wife accountable.

This issue, of submission, is but one example of the dangers associated with my friend's flawed method of interpreting the scriptures. Guess what else the Bible does not expressly say:

• The Bible does not say that “abortion is wrong” (it does, however, say that murder is wrong);
• The Bible does not say that “a pastor may discipline his flock” (it does however provide for church leaders holding the members accountable and for church resolution of conflicts between believers – see Matt 18);
• The Bible does not say that women must “separate and cleave” from their families (though this is implied by that same message to men);
• The Bible does not say “thou shalt not lie” (but it does say not to “bear false witness/give false testimony”);
• The Bible does not say that men and women must “obtain a legal certificate of marriage from the secular government” (but it does say that believers must subject themselves to the secular authorities – see Rom 13:1).

There are myriad of activities the Bible does not expressly permit or forbid, at least not in so many words. For instance, the Bible does not expressly tell us to refrain from water-boarding small children or from eating poison ivy.  The Lord obviously intended the Bible to give us principles by which we can live our lives and know the Truth, and it is up to us to apply these principles to new situations.

The Bible identifies the nature of sin and the opposing nature of righteousness. Certainly, examples were included to help our understanding, but the Ten Commandments were never intended to be the end to all moral judgments. They were the beginning – the genesis of our understanding of sin and righteousness.

We must take what we have learned from the Bible and apply it, logically, in our own decision-making. To simply state that, “The Bible doesn’t say…” as evidence for any conclusion, is insufficient. That can never be the end to our thinking process. Otherwise, we will commit a host of sins with the flimsiest of excuses, “The Bible didn’t say I couldn’t leave that man to die in the streets – I didn’t kill him.” What of the Good Samaritan? Do the principles in that story not require us to aid those in need?

We are under a duty to ask the question, “Does this activity or thing we are contemplating align more with our understanding of sin or our understanding of righteousness as taught by the Bible?” Applying this logic to my friend’s argument, we must seek God’s intention regarding the roles of husbands and wives in marriage. Saying that the Bible does not command husbands to hold their wives accountable for submitting does nothing to aid in the evaluation of whether husband should or should not be holding their wives accountable in this fashion.

In reaching my own conclusions, I cannot ignore that the Bible has given husbands authority over their wives, albeit with specific instructions and restrictions for how to exercise that authority. Often, I wish that I could ignore this reality. The world would be simpler for me, if I did not have authority as a husband: it comes with a never-ending array of duties and responsibilities. One of those duties, I believe, is being a spiritual leader in my home by holding my wife, family, and myself accountable for our Biblical duties. As Joshua said centuries before me, I am proclaiming that, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15). As a husband and father, men have the duty to make that proclamation a reality (more than words).

The Bible enumerates specific commands to husbands concerning how they treat their wives, and husbands must fulfill these duties. The Bible also enumerates specific commands to wives concerning how they treat their husbands, and wives must fulfill those duties. Along these lines, I will now explain my understanding of the scripture as it relates to submission between husbands and wives (with the understanding that all Christians are to have a submissive spirit, generally).

Simply put, the word "submit," as used in Ephesians 5 (just picking a relevant passage here), means to subject one's own will to that of another. When Christ submitted himself to the Lord, he subjected his decisions, judgments, and desires to the authority and will of the Lord. Certainly, Christ had reservations and concerns about going to the cross (e.g. “Lord … take this cup from me…”), but there was no sin, as Christ subjected his judgment and will to that of the Lord. Christ was crucified as a result of submission.

No one considers this to be a negative thing, likely due to the perfect nature of the parties involved (God the Father and Jesus Christ, the Son). However, the Word of God requires wives to submit to their husbands as to (in the same fashion as) the Lord:

"Wives, submit [ne subject] to your own [not necessarily other] husbands, as to [in the same way you submit to] the Lord. For the husband is the head [leader] of the wife even as Christ is the head [leader] of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything [not just some things] to their husbands" (Eph 5:22-23) (emphasis supplied).

This passage is extremely difficult for me. I have struggled with it for years, trying to interpret it with the mind of a man who grew up in a post-modern, secular society that believes “equal value” requires “identical roles” and options. How can a man and woman be equal when one is the leader and the other the follower? Of course, I ask myself whether the president of the United States has more constitutionally prescribed civil liberties than do I as an ordinary citizen? Of course, not: the president is subject to the same Bill of Rights as the rest of us, but he is still our leader.  Why would it be different with husbands and wives?

Now the friend I mentioned earlier, he is a man I respect and admire. Like me, however, he is not perfect. This man’s flawed logic has resulted in what I believe to be an incorrect interpretation of the Bible in this specific instance. I have been guilty myself of using this same flawed logic in times past. “The Bible doesn’t say something is a sin, so I can do it right?” I used to (and sometimes still do) rationalize in this way.

My friend argues that, because the Bible does not tell husbands to hold their wives accountable to submit, that husbands are therefore prohibited from holding their wives accountable. The Bible also does not tell men to refrain from tossing their children out into the streets, but it says a man who does not take care of his family is a scoundrel (1 Tim 5:8). The flaw in his reasoning is taking the mere absence of an express scriptural provision in the Word of God as a prohibition or as a permission.

Let me explain with an illustration. Many of us know the children’s hymn, "I'm in the Lord's Army." How would this dispute concerning submission play out in the context of an army?

Let us imagine, for a moment, that there is a certain general. This general commands an army, and he decides to establish some written rules and procedures to be followed by the officers and troops under his command. He provides every officer and soldier with access to these written rules and procedures. One of the rules he establishes is that all troops are to submit to the commands of the officers in the same way that those officers submit to the general himself – in everything.

Now let us suppose that there is a battle to be fought over a certain bridge in the jungle that is critical to controlling the surrounding region. Suppose also that one of the officers orders the troops to take the bridge despite strong opposition from the enemy. Now suppose that, out of fear, the troops hesitate to charge the bridge and that they begin second-guessing the officer. Suppose that the officer listens to the concerns of the troops but, after considering their concerns and the need to take that bridge, he orders them to charge forward anyway.

Suppose also the soldiers refuse to submit to the order to charge the bridge. Lastly, suppose that nothing in the general's written rules and procedures says, specifically, that the officer is authorized to demand that the troops submit to or to hold the men accountable for failing to submit.

Does the officer need the express, written permission of the general to demand that the troops charge the bridge, or does the written authority granted to him by the general imply that the officer has the authority to hold the soldiers accountable for refusing to submit to the officer’s commands? Remember, the general’s written, standing order is that the troops submit to the officer in everything.

Of course, in the military, the troops would be required to follow their orders of the officers with the understanding that they could approach the general (or another superior) to discuss any strongly held objections. The general has the authority to countermand the orders of any officer or to affirm those orders. Of course, husbands and wives are not (always) military personnel, but the analogy holds just as true in God’s army.

As I see it, God does not have to expressly provide that husbands may hold their wives accountable to submit. God has placed the husband in a position of leadership and authority over the wife. That's not a popular belief or position, but I believe it is an accurate portrayal of the Biblical design ("wives should submit in everything to their husbands"). That position and authority confers upon the husband, as a leader, not only a right but a responsibility to hold his wife accountable, as his supporter and follower.

Leaders who do not exercise their authority are useless as leaders. However, it is important for a leader to know when and how to exercise authority responsibly and for the benefit of others.

God has placed restrictions on how husbands are to exercise that authority, always with a view to protecting their wives, and God has also ordered the husband to love his wife in the most complete way imaginable. If the wife has an objection to the husband's use of authority, then she has the option to approach the Lord and pray for an intervention, just as the troops in our example had the option to petition the general to intervene on their behalf with the officers. Ultimately, the Lord, just like our hypothetical general, has the authority to countermand the husband's leadership, or to affirm it. The husband cannot be a leader, logically, without exercising some authority and holding his wife accountable for respecting that authority.

The question is, when the wife prays to the Lord for intervention, and when the Lord does not choose to intervene (whether overtly or by convicting the husband to alter his judgment), will the wife submit to the Lord? Silence from the Lord is not abandonment or neglect. The Lord’s silence means that the Lord’s instructions stand: wives submit to your husband. Rather than changing this Biblical command, I believe the Lord answers the prayers of wives in this sometimes difficult position of being at odds with her husband by convicting the husband to reconsider his decisions. Other times, I believe the Lord convicts the wife to follow. Regardless, I believe that both husbands and wives occasionally ignore the convictions of the Holy Spirit when experiencing a spousal dispute. However, this is not cause for the aggrieved spouse to abandon his/her duty to the Lord. Wives should continue to submit, and husbands should continue to lead in love.

The Lord knows best, and when he does not seem to answer a prayer, his silence is the answer. That is not a technicality: the Lord knows when to intervene and when to let things play out. That is why the Lord is the general in our littler metaphor. If the husband or wife does not comply when the Lord convicts him/her, then I believe there will be consequences for defying a Holy God. The Bible tells us there is at least one negative consequence when a husband abuses his authority or mistreats his wife:

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding [i.e. patience, love, and grace] way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Peter 3:7) (emphasis supplied).

Wives, this is a scripture to share respectfully with your husbands. Submit to your husband, if not out of respect and love for him (which you are Biblically required to do), then for the Lord who has asked you to submit in this way. However, do be honest with your husband and remind him (holding him accountable) that he is commanded to love you as Christ loved the Church. Respectfully and lovingly, as a supporter, remind him that there are consequences to mistreating you, and that the Lord has decreed this: show him 1 Peter 3:7.

Difference in authority is not a difference in value. This is where many Christians miss the mark: the fact that a wife must submit does not mean she is less valuable to the Lord. That she, as the "weaker vessel," requires a strong leader does not mean the Lord loves or values her less than her husband. In fact, by providing her with a strong leader in her husband, the Lord has made additional provisions for her well-being beyond what has been provided for the husband. The Lord values all His children equally:

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Gal 3:28).

God loves and values us all equally, and we are all one in His eyes. However, He has called us to different tasks and purposes. Husbands are called to lead. Wives are called to support and follow. Husbands are to love and protect, while wives are to respect and support. This does not mean women are less valuable. Leaders are worthless without their followers and supporters, unable to accomplish anything.

My friend's logic may have been flawed in concluding that a husband, as a leader, cannot hold his wife accountable to abide by her Biblical duty to submit, but he would be right to say that there are limits to how a husband may go about holding his wife accountable. 1 Peter 3:7 tells us, without reservation, that God will not hear a husband's prayers if he is failing to be understanding with his wife, to recognize her tender fragility, and to honor her accordingly.

This means that husbands may NOT use their authority as grounds to abuse their wives in any way. Certainly, a man should NEVER strike his wife, not with fists and not with words.  This is not Biblical.

Just as the Bible does not say that “husbands are permitted to hold their wives accountable for refusing to submit,” the Bible does not say that “husbands are prohibited from screaming at their wives in anger.” I believe, however, that the Bible prohibits men from screaming at their wives in anger (unlike screaming "look out for that bus," which is necessarily different). Husbands are called to, calmly and lovingly, be the spiritual leaders in their homes. We are called lead, first and foremost, by example. When our wives are failing in their duty to submit, we also have a responsibility to the Lord to see order restored in our home. We must hold our wives (and ourselves) accountable to abiding by the Lord’s design for family.

When leading by example is insufficient (and this is far less common than many husbands would care to admit), it is our duty to: (1) break out the scripture and discuss the matter, calmly and lovingly; (2) if our wives will not listen, then we must find and ask another believer, wise in the Word, to intervene; and (3) if that does not work, then we must take it before the church leadership (Matt 18). We do NOT harm, abuse, or take our wives to court seeking a divorce.

Christian counseling, mediation, or even arbitration may be necessary in extreme cases. The husband must remember to submit to the authority of a pastor, Christian arbitrator, or church leader who espouses a Biblical worldview and provides Biblical counsel/commands.

I hope this helps my friend and others with this difficult passage of scripture. It really isn’t all that complicated, but sometimes simple concepts are the hardest to swallow. After all, the terms “simple” and “easy” are no more synonymous than the terms “equality” and “authority.” Something can be simple and hard. Someone can have or lack authority and still be equal to another that has or lacks authority.

If nothing else, I hope those of you who read this will cease to argue what the Bible doesn’t say and start prayerfully considering and discussing what it does say, without preconceptions or agendas derived from social norms. Only then will we get to the Truth.

A wise man seeks wise counsel (no.3).

"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."
-Proverbs 15:22, NIV.

This verse came to me in my email devotional, and I find it to be one of the best verses in the Bible when it comes to decision-making and dealing with confusion.  Frankly, in my own life, I have often been convicted with the reality that I cannot do everything myself. 

As an example, I broke my foot last week playing tennis.  Try as I might, I couldn't take care of myself, and I needed someone to nurse-maid me until I was back on my feet again.  I am pleased to report that I am recovering quickly, and I am even able to walk normally for brief periods with the crutches (as opposed to using only my good foot).  In a short time, I will be right as rain.  In the beginning, however, my wife was a God-send.  Were it not for her, I'd have had to hire a nurse or stay in the hospital until I was able to function again.

Similarly, we should not make important decisions all alone without seeking some wise counsel first.  I will not waste time rehashing previous posts dealing with the question of when to seek help and from whom (you may find the first two posts in this series here and here; you may also find the post "No Man an Island" to be relevant, which you can find here).  Instead, I just want to focus on the wisdom of the verse quoted at the top of this post.

My wife and I have a wonderful, happy marriage.  However, we do occasionally differ, and sometimes the decision of when to seek advice is an area in which we differ.  My wife is a very private person, and she would often prefer that we make important decisions alone (after consulting the Lord, of course).  I, on the other hand, feel like the best decision is made only after consulting others whom I consider wise and knowledgeable.  Is my wife wrong to want to keep matters private?  Not at all, and some decisions really do require discretion, especially in a marriage.

All the same, the desire for privacy is often related more to one's pride than to a desire for discretion.  My advice to you, believers, is to strike a good balance.  Seek not only wise counselors, but discreet counselors.  In my view, an advisor is not a very wise person to begin with if that person does not appreciate the value of discretion.  Certainly, we know that discretion and wisdom go hand in hand (see Prov 3:21, 5:2, and 11:22).  

Remember: the Bible teaches us that our plans fail for lack of counsel (lack of wise advice), but our plans often succeed if we have many advisors.  Of course, we shouldn't be too quick to get or take the advice of a drunkard or fool, but when a knowledgeable person offers you advice, I suggest that you consider it as a gift rather than a burden.

How often do we hear advice from parents or other elders and disregard it as outdated or as another "lecture?"  Don't be a fool: if you have wise parents or elders, then listen to their advice.  It is worth more than gold.  As an example, if you are experiencing marital difficulties, don't shrug off the advice of a happily married couple and tell them it is none of their business.  Perhaps you are right that it is not their concern, but if that couple is genuinely trying to help you, then making your business their concern is a sign of friendship, not intrusion.  The secrets to happiness in their own marriage may very well be the secret to happiness in your own.  That is just an example.

Businessmen, for another example, I advise you not to hastily shirk the advice of your more successful colleagues.  Successful business models are often reproduceable, and for a successful businessman to share his insight with you, well that is invaluable.  Seize the opportunity!  Don't let pride be your downfall.

And remember, ultimately every decision that confronts you is your right and responsibility to make, but, knowing the every decision has consequences, would you not prefer your decisions to be informed decisions?  Having many advisors means understanding the facets of the situation with insights beyond/in addition to your own.  Listening to advisors is no excuse to refuse the ultimate responsibility for the decision.  You cannot sacrifice your judgment without making a choice to do just that.  Wisdom is about listening and discerning.  There is middle ground between ignoring good advice and jjust taking whatever advice comes your way.  I advise you (wisely I hope) to find that balance.  

Be blessed.

Free Legal Tip No.2: what type of help do I need?

Do you need legal advice? Do you need counseling? Do you need pastoral care? Do you need a mediator/arbitrator? Do you need a financial or tax advisor? This post is about how to determine what type of professional services you may need.

We all hope that we will never need "professional help." Most of us, however, will need professional help at some point in our life. Since professional services rarely come free, most of us would prefer to pay for only those professional services we actually need, but how do we really find out what those are?

First, it would be wise to start by identifying and examining your needs/desires. If you are starting a business, then you probably do not need emotional or trauma counseling (unless you are really stressed out by the prospect of starting a new business), but you will likely need legal, business, and/or financial advice/services. On the other hand, if you are a soldier returning home with post-traumatic stress disorder, then trauma counseling may be just what you need most.

Second, it would be wise to research who offers professional services/counseling that addresses the needs/desires that you have identified. If you are suffering from a heart attack, then an attorney will rarely help with your physical symptoms. If, however, your heart attack began when your vehicle was struck by a drunk driver, then an attorney may be able to help you obtain funds to cover your medical expenses and vehicle damage from either the drunk driver, his insurance company, or from your own insurance company (under an uninsured/under-insured motorist claim, for instance).

Third, it's always a good idea to decide which professionals to see in what order. In our heart attack example, it's probably a good idea to see a heart doctor at the hospital to address your medical needs and stabilize your condition before you go see an attorney about getting money to
pay your medical bills.

This may all seem obvious, but we have used clear-cut examples. Sometimes the line between the services offered by professionals is blurry. For instance, what if your spouse served you with divorce papers because he mistakenly believed you cheated on him? Believers might seek pastoral counseling to decide what God's Word encourages them to do. Marriage counselors also may try to help married couples deal with the emotional and psychological situation, and attorneys (legal counselors) may try to help the couple negotiate the terms of their reconciliation or separation. Anytime a couple reconciles, separates, or divorce, there are legal issues involving their material possession, wealth, and how to share or divide them (depending on whether they are reconciling or separating). Mediators are also useful to facilitate agreements between the couple, and financial/tax advisors can help deal with economic considerations.

Does every married couple need the services offered by all those professionals? The answer is that, while it is not necessarily true that they will need all the aforementioned services, it is possible that they will need some or all of them. How does our married couple know which professionals they need to consult about their issues? Remember our 3 steps above, and give careful consideration to them: (1) identify and examine the issues/problems; (2) research what professionals offer relevant services; and (3) decide who to see in what order.

A few tips on the first step:

• Be thorough in identifying the issues (sometimes it is human nature to ignore painful issues);
• Examine them carefully to see whether they are physical/medical issues, emotional issues, psychological issues, spiritual issues, financial issues, business issues, and/or legal issues;
• Be certain not to try and limit issues to being just one type of issue when it might fall under several categories; and
• Prioritize the issues by importance.

Once the first step is complete, keep the following in mind when handling step no. 2:

• Research does not have to be complicated - check first with people you trust that may be able to refer a professional s/he used in the past that provides the services you need;
• The Internet can be a valuable resource, but it should not be the end of your search - try to talk to the professionals you find in person or at least on the phone before retaining their services;
• Your insurer/employer can often provide referrals, especially to professionals covered by any insurance policies/employment benefits;
• Don't forget to research professionals for each type of service you may need;
• Research price upfront;
• Ask questions of any professional you hire;
• Be wary of professionals recommending other professionals (i.e. are they paid for their referrals by the recommended professional?);
• Get second or even third opinions/estimates;
• Get your agreement with the professional in writing; and
• Seek wise counsel.

Regarding step no. 3:

• Make certain you are in a healthy physical/spiritual position first;
• Prioritize your goals - sometimes certain things (especially in the legal and financial/business realms) have to be done within a certain time-frame or you lose/waive some right or thing, while other things that may seem most important to us can be handled just as well after seeing to things that involve time constraints;
• Keep an eye on the cost of services you receive (it rarely helps to get half of the services you need because you failed to budget for or negotiate services that you can actually afford or finance);
• While counseling for your mental and emotional health is great, do not let your legal rights go unprotected or otherwise expire while seeing a mental health professionals (otherwise you are just going to add more stress to your already impaired mental condition - remember that your psychologist does not necessarily understand that your legal rights may be waived by inaction or delay);
• Try, if you can, to think ahead and plan for the long term.

Example1: If you are chemically dependant on drugs, you may not want to get into trouble with the authorities, but you need to seek medical help first. Legal advice does little to help dead people (even estate planning must be completed, typically, while you are still alive). However, if the doctor says your condition is stable, you might want to delay checking into that rehab clinic for substance abuse counseling until you have spoken with an attorney (you might want to know, for instance, whether entering rehab will constitute a confession of illegal drug use that can subject you to criminal penalties or cost you your job). Also, talking to a financial advisor might be a good way to find out if financing that rehab clinic will put you into bankruptcy. There may be more cost-effective alternatives to that clinic in Beverly Hills you heard about on Entertainment Tonight. Also, will your treatment expenses be deductible on your next tax return?

Example 2: If you have kids, one of whom is disabled, and you are not in good health, then you probably need to consider estate and tax planning (I don't advise anyone to wait until their health is bad to do estate planning). First, you need to be alive long enough to do the planning, so check with your physician first. Second, your condition (and also the disability of your child) is a red flag that you might need to do some medicaid planning (tricky stuff). Attorney offer estate and medicaid planning advice/services. Some estate planning attorneys will do your gift/estate tax and other tax planning themselves, especially if it is a smaller estates. Other times, the attorney may need to consult a tax professional or accountant when planning your estate. However, accountants and tax professionals cannot do your estate plan alone, so it's best to go to the attorney first. If the attorney will need to consult with another professional, then you may want to inquire about the costs involved. Perhaps you can negotiate the fees or even recommend a more cost-effective provider. Finally, you may need to consult with a mental/emotional care provider (i.e. counselor, therapist) to deal with the stresses and anxiety of planning your estate (some people are really disturbed by the process of planning for death). Your church elders/pastors, if wise and faithful, can likely help you in different ways at every step of this process (by recommending professionals, by praying with you, and by helping you weigh the options).

***Disclaimer: I am an attorney, but I am not YOUR attorney, meaning that the advice in this blog post is general advice for the masses and not tailored to anyone's specific needs/concerns/issues. I advise anyone with a legal question or a conflict to speak with an attorney and give that attorney the benefit of all the facts. Obviously, the best legal advice will come from a skilled and trustworthy attorney fully acquainted with the situation you are facing rather than someone offering legal tips on a blog.

Free Legal Tip No. 1: Avoid Court by Making Peace

If you are reading ATI (this blog), then you most likely believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, made flesh, and sacrificed for our sins. Assuming this is true, then you should be aware that Jesus had a few things to say about resolving conflicts. I am writing this post not only because I am interested in the subject personally and professionally, but also because I believe that many if not most churches have dropped the ball in this area.

To start the ball rolling again, lets look at Christ's words:

" 15If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18Truly, I say to you,whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven" (Matt 18:15-18).

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God" (Matt 5:9).

These verses are famous. Notice, these scripture are not directed at non-believers. They are a command to children of God to resolve their disputes in a way that is different from how the secular world resolves its disputes. When was the last time you heard of or saw someone take a dispute before the church body or leadership? Again, many churches have dropped the ball, but so have many believers. After all, the process starts with the believer, not with the church.

First, Christ advises us to attempt to resolve disputes among believers privately, by discussion between just the persons involved (see Matt 18:15). If a private discussion does not resolve the dispute, then Christ advises us to bring it before 1 or 2 other believers (Matt 18:16), but if the conflict continues, then Christ advises us to take it before the Church (Matt 18:17). Where someone refuses to listen to the Church, Christ advises us to treat him in the same fashion as a non-believer (Matt 18:17). Regardless, Christ has taught us that those who seek first to make peace shall be blessed (Matt 5:9).

As an attorney, I often see people, even believers, taking others to court. Often, the decision to sue someone is a person's immediate reaction to a conflict/dispute, and that is unfortunate. It is true that I get paid to handle litigation (civil lawsuits), but it is also true that I get paid to help people find less expensive, less damaging ways to resolve their problems. My favorite method is "Christian conciliation," which is a fancy way of saying: resolve your disputes Biblically!

There are many reasons to look to the Bible when presented with a dispute. The first is, obviously, to please, honor, and glorify God. Every conflict/dispute is an opportunity to for those involved to glorify God by following His Word. A second reason to resolve a dispute Biblically is that the Bible promises that persons striving to make peace will be blessed (Matthew 5 does not qualify that statement). Probably, any remaining advantages to Biblical resolution of disputes/conflicts flow from that blessing. However, to be more specific, there are three more really good reasons to resolve your disputes Biblically: (1) it works; and (2) it focuses on reparining damaged relationships not just chasing money; and (3) it is almost always cheaper/more cost-effective than going to court.

The following is a common fee structure for a superior court in Georgia: $85 to file for divorce; $80 for other civil actions (including business disputes and personal injuries); and $25 each time the sheriff has to serve someone with process (at least once per each defendant in a lawsuit). These fees are in addition to those of your attorney. Attorneys handle most cases on an hourly rate or a flat rate based on a projected number of hours at an hourly rate, so the longer it takes to resolve your dispute, the more it will cost you.

Litigation begins with the filing of a complaint and continues through judgment and all appeals. This process can take years to complete. The discovery (investigation) phase alone can last up to 6 months or more. While litigation might result in you receiving a money judgment, there is never a guarantee you will win. If you lose, then you are worse off than when you started. If you win, you may still get a judgment for an amount less than the cost of bringing the lawsuit, making the lawsuit a waste of time and money. Even if you get a huge judgment, it has to be collected, and it is tough to "squeeze blood out of a turnip," so to speak.

So, what is the Biblical alternative? First, try to work out your disputes privately, just like Christ encouraged. Often, conflicts can just be "taked out." Sometimes, in more difficult situations, negotiation resulting in a written agreement can be used to both prevent and settle disputes (it is often helpful, even at this stage, to get a legal professional to actually draft any written agreements to ensure that they will work in court, but you can also do it yourself).

If you cannot resolve a conflict with a fellow believer privately, then get a couple brothers/sisters from church to listen to all sides and help you work out the dispute. If that doesn't work, then get your pastor and the church involved. Surely you trust men and women of God to judge your dispute more than you would a secular judge/jury?

If none of these options work, then Christ tells us treat that opponent as a non-believer (assuming s/he is a believer to begin with). When that happens, it is time to discuss your options with an attorney (if you have not done so already). Remember, if you truly cannot afford to hire an attorney - there are non-profit organizations like Legal Aid available to assist you.

A good attorney will listen to your problem and walk you through the pros and cons of each option available to you (as opposed to just telling you what to do with no explanation). A good attorney should also advise you that there are alternatives to litigation and courts, even when dealing with non-believers. Your attorney can often negotiate a settlement or help you in obtaining a mediation or arbitration of the dispute. Mediation involves sitting down with a skilled mediator who listens to both sides and helps them find a mutually agreeable solution to the problem that the parties sign off on as a legally binding settlement. Arbitration is an alternative to litigation and trials where an arbitrator hears both sides and issues and issues a legally binding decision (much like a judge).

If you hire a Christian attorney (I know we're rare, but we do exist), then he will (hopefully) introduce you to Peacemaker Ministries (http://www.peacemaker.net/), which provides believers with Christian mediation and arbitration services that will focus on repairing the relationships involved rather than just the conflicts.

As a last resort, you can still take your opponent(s) to court. Christ advises us treat believers who refuse to resolve their disputes Biblically as though they were non-believers. Sometimes, it is best to "turn the other cheek," but this does not always result in making peace. Peacemakers are blessed, not peacefakers (the term "peacefaker" was coined by Ken Sande, president of Peacemaker Ministries and author of "The Peacemaker").

Ignoring a continuing, ongoing dispute is not making but faking peace by turning a blind eye to the conflict. There are disputes that have to be actively resolved, and "turning the other cheek" does not mean that we can just ignore all our problems until they go away. I could write a whole post on discerning which disputes can be overlooked and which ones cannot, but suffice it to say that there are disputes/conflicts (such as physical abuse, marital strife, employment disputes...) that must be resolved and cannot be overlooked if peace is to be made. When such a conflict arises, it is always wise to seek the Lord's will first. It is also wise, when someone is physically hurting you, to immediately seek legal counsel and judicial intervention to keep you safe until a solution is found and peace can be made.

Whatever you decide, remember that, as a Christian, we must consider both what gives glory to God and what will result in peace. Often the best way to discern what will give God glory in a situation is to read His Word, mediate upon it, and to pray. God will lead you out of the darkness.

Bottom line: going to court isn't cheap, and while it might get you some money, it rarely glorifies God or repairs any damage to the relationships involved. Also, there are usually alternatives available that are more efficient and cost-effective.

***Disclaimer: I am an attorney, but I am not YOUR attorney, meaning that the advice in this blog post is general advice for the masses and not tailored to anyone's specific needs/concerns/issues. I advise anyone with a legal question or a conflict to speak with an attorney and give that attorney the benefit of all the facts. Obviously, the best legal advice will come from a skilled and trustworthy attorney fully acquainted with the situation you are facing rather than someone offering legal tips on a blog.

A Wise Man Seeks Wise Counsel (no. 2)

The point of this second post on the subject of following wise counsel is how to find it, how recognize it, and how implement it/put it into action in your life.

In the first part of this post (found here), I wrote about the wisdom of considering and following "wise counsel" (advice). I cited the following scriptures, which I will also refer to in this post:

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise" (Proverbs 12:15). "By pride comes nothing but strife, but with the well-advised is wisdom" (Proverbs 13:10). "The ear that hears the rebukes of life will abide among the wise. He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding" (Proverbs 15:31). "Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days" (Proverbs 19:20).

I have a very simple method for finding/recognizing wise counsel, and I call it, "Defer to the superior pool of knowledge." This is not a Bible verse, so remember that when applying this principle: it's not necessarily fool-proof. However, it generally has worked for me (when I was wise enough to apply it).

Deferring to the superior pool of knowledge means, essentially, trust the judgment and advice of people who are speaking from a position of expertise greater than your own. To an extent, you do this already: when their automobile transmission goes out, most people don't try to fix it themselves unless they are transmission specialists. If a restaurant owner is a bad cook, then s/he will probably hire a chef/cook to work in the kitchen. Similarly, a manager at a software company who has no experience in coding software had better hire a good programmer (hint: I am nodding in Rob's direction with that one).

It seems so obvious that, when there is a fire, we should call the fire department, and when someone breaks into our house we should call the police. Of course, I think we can agree that the plumber is the man to call to fix the pipes in our house, but what about the ones in our chest? Who among us after a heart attack hires a plumber to perform open-heart surgery? Any takers on that one?

However, how many of us have tried to save a dime on a home improvement project only to find we made the problem far worse than it originally was? Ever had a problem cost more to fix because you made it worse by trying to fix it on your own? How many people have tried to resolve a legal dispute without consulting an attorney (wink-wink). How many of us have risked being found guilty (or actually been found guilty) of tax fraud because we thought we could itemize our tax return just as well as a tax pro (nodding at my wife)? How many people try to resolve dangerous marital disputes without consulting their pastor (hello - God invented marriage...)? Anyone without a degree in finance or economics feel like playing the stock market without first getting some good advice?

Sometimes, we human beings tend to think that we are an island unto ourselves, capable of tackling any problem. However, most of us don't know everything. I readily admit that there is always someone out there who knows more about a given subject than I do. My wife knows more about preparing tax returns than I could ever hope, and Rob definitely knows more about computers than I do. Neither of them, however, knows more about the law than I do. These differences in skills do not represent a competition between us. Rather, our different abilities represent an opportunity for us to help each other and provide each other wise counsel on different subject matter.

I know enough about income taxes to do my own, and I have done it before, but I would never think that I could do my income tax return better than my wife can. Rather than letting pride be my downfall (see Proverbs 13:10 above), I admit that she knows more than I do, and I defer to her on income tax issues because she possesses a "pool of knowledge" superior to my own on that subject. Similarly, while I know a little bit about computers and programming, if I have a computer problem, then I call Rob. His pool of computer knowledge is superior to my own.

Admitting that people know some things better than I do allows me to get the best information before I make a decision. I try to remember that, "He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding" (Proverbs 15:31). I benefit from the knowledge of the wise, and listening to their advice, on their areas of expertise makes my life easier. Also, according to God's word, listening to this kind of advice is a wise decision on my part.

Perhaps this seems obvious to some, but I know there are many people out their who just do not know how to take advice. Anyone who refuses to listen to advice, however, despises his own soul - it is in the Bible. So, the next time someone who has been happily married for 50 years gives you a tip on how to make your marriage work well, consider listening. Even if you have been married for 60 years, listening does not hurt. After all, time is not the only measure of experience. I am a better attorney than some others who have been practicing much longer than I have, but there are some attorneys who have been practicing for fewer years than I have who are better. There is no shame in admitting that - it's just true.

Admitting and accepting the truth puts me in the best position to identify who has more knowledge or talent on a given subject or issue than I do. Listening to such people enriches my own knowledge on the subject. Even if I do not follow their advice, by listening to it, I will remember it when time reveals who was right. If I was wrong, then perhaps I should have listened and need to reexamine my decision-making process.

I realize that sometimes the cost of hiring an expert is more than some of us can afford. If it weren't for insurance, most of us could not afford the services and expertise of a heart surgeon. Sometimes, wise counsel comes at a high price. Being a good steward of our money requires us to evaluate whether the cost is worth the benefit. I usually handle those situations by considering whether it is possible that I could handle the matter alone successfully. If not, then the expense might well be worth it. If I simply cannot afford the advice of on counselor, then I shop around to find one that I can.

This is also where family and friends come in handy. Your dad may not be a plumber, but if he is 20-30 years older than you, then he has been around long enough to have lived through a few clogged drains. Even if he cannot fix your sink, there is a good chance he knows of an honest plumber who will cut you a deal. Similarly, your mother may not be a lawyer, but she may know of one who can tell you what to do about that traffic ticket you can't believe you received.

Just remember, if you call your dad about that sink and he says, "I have no idea, but you might try taking it apart to see what is wrong," then you might want to get a second opinion before taking a wrench to that sink. Anytime someone admits that s/he has "no idea" about something, the advice that follows should be taken with a grain of salt unless that person's advice is sending you to someone more knowledgeable.

This is all pretty intuitive advice, but just because we all know it is true, does not mean it is easy to implement/use in our lives. So here is the secret: check your pride. Pride is what comes between people and good advice. Second, while you need to be responsible with your money, remember that it isn't very responsible to spend money on unessential things when you "cannot afford" the wise counsel you so desperately need. How many of us would spend $30 on dinner out with our spouse but balk at spending $30 on a phone conference with an accountant to make sure we can afford that dinner? So, not only do we need to check out pride at the door, but we need to check our budgets as well. Plan ahead - we all need advice, but wise advice rarely comes free. I recongize that, even if we budget for it, some of us cannot afford to pay for wise advice. Here's a tip: "Legal Aid" offers low or no cost legal services to those who truly cannot afford them. There are also medical clinics and hospitals that take indigent cases. If you cannot afford wise counsel, then there may be a non-profit entity out there designed to help you get the advice you need at a price you can afford.

I will end this post with a story I heard about from a friend of mine that I think serves as an excellent example of the danger of failing to seek and listen to wise counsel. A medical student was given a very large house in her divorce. She neither hired an attorney nor an accountant to assist her in the divorce. Apparently, her friends told her not to worry about it because the divorce was "uncontested," and the woman could not "afford to pay for advice" while she was already paying for her med school tuition. She also assumed that the "divorce judge" would make her aware of any potential problems. So, this woman read the separation agreement for herself and decided that she was "taking her husband to the cleaners." Because she was a medical student and considered herself to be a very intelligent person, it never occured to her that she might be reading the paperwork wrong or that separation contracts cannot always be read literally as though they were a book in a library.

However, when the property tax and homeowner's insurance bills came due, she discovered that she could pay neither. Her husband also failed to remind her that the house was subject to a mortgage. A reference to the mortgage was buried in the separation agreement and divorce papers.

Had she consulted a wise accountant, he would have told her that a house is never free: there are always hidden costs like property taxes, insurance premiums, and repairs. He would also have told her, most likely, that the bills related to maintaining a house are more than the average full-time medical student can afford.

Had this woman consulted a wise attorney, he would likely have either performed or obtained a title examination of the house, which would have revealed the mortgage (which was also referenced in her divorce papers, which she misread). The attorney would also have told her that judges are prohibitted by law from giving legal advice in the cases over which they preside. She didn't even consider applying for nonprofit legal aid, which would have given her legal counsel at little or no cost, because she thought that she was "smart enough" to handle the matter herself.

This woman lost all the money she received in her divorce settlement trying to trying to pay bills for the house that she could never have realistically afforded. What is the moral of the story? The woman should have gotten some wise counsel, who would have told her not to take responsibility for a house she could not afford. The expertise she needed most was that of a good real estate agent. Had she demanded the house be sold during the divorce, an option she never considered, she might have been able to pocket the difference between the sale price and the outstanding bills.

Was this woman dumb? No. She was very smart. However, she was not very wise. She was too filled with pride and arrogance to seek help. She could not afford to pay for the wise counsel that would have saved her thousands of dollars. Bottom line, we often cannot afford to do without wise counsel.

Arrogance and pride always come with a price tag. Sometimes, "do-it-yourself" is the wisest, most cost-effective course of action. However, before I build a wooden deck or cement porch in my backyard, you had better believe that I am calling my parents and talking to somebody who has done that kind of work before. I may be smart, but when it comes to home improvement, I know that I am not wise. Good thing I know some wise counsellors.

UPDATE: see the next article in this series here.

A wise man seeks wise counsel (no. 1).

I found a website discussing the relationship between wisdom and accepting advice from a Biblical perspective. In doing so, I found the following scriptures:

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise" (Proverbs 12:15). "By pride comes nothing but strife, but with the well-advised is wisdom" (Proverbs 13:10). "The ear that hears the rebukes of life will abide among the wise. He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding" (Proverbs 15:31). "Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days" (Proverbs 19:20).

The point these scriptures make, when read together, is not to take every piece of advice that you receive as proven fact/truth. However, these scriptures send a solid message that it IS wise to listen to wise counsel. In other words, it is wise to consider the advice of those wiser or more learned than ourselves before we make decisions or take actions. That advice does not free us of the need to purposefully consider our decisions/actions before taking them. However, prayerfully contemplating the counsel you receive on a subject, make the wisest decision or take the wisest action.

Remember, wisdom often comes with age (Proverbs 19:20 - "...wise in you latter days"). I am smarter than some who are older than I am, but I am often less wise. Perhaps I am wiser than some who are older, but it is generally true that, the longer a person lives, the more experiences that person has, the more opportunities that person has to grow in wisdom. Granted, not every person older than me has seized the opportunities that he or she has received, and some of older persons may even be foolish. Remember, wisdom comes from the Lord first, so if you meet an older person who does not have the Lord in his/her life, then that person has chosen to avoid wisdom in every moment of his/her life. Always look for wisdom in the Bible first: if a person contradicts the Bible, how wise can that person truly be?

However, a person's age, at a minimum, is a good indicator of how much exposure that person has had to wisdom. Those who have lived long lives and accepted the opportunities for growth afforded to them by the Lord could be a wealth of wisdom and good counsel. While my parents, for instance, are reasonably intelligent people, I am sure neither of them has anything on Albert Einstein or Benjamin Franklin. It is my parents' wisdom that compels me to seek advice from them before so many others that may or may not be smarter. My father is a pastor, and my mother was my first Sunday School teacher. I know that every piece of advice they give me comes from a person who has sought wisdom from the Lord for many, many years. Those learned in the Word usually make the best advisors, meaning that they tend to give good advice.

Why does this matter? Whether you believe it or not, none of us knows everything. None of us has everything, and none of us can do everything. We all are imperfect, and we all need help from time to time. The Word of God teaches us that, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise." Why would anyone think that s/he is always right? Pride. "By pride comes nothing but strife." However, "... with the well-advised is wisdom."

Do you trust God? Do you trust the Bible? If so, then you should not trust yourself - not in all things. The Bible says that we do not know everything and that we all need to listen. Do you agree? If not, then there is no point in your reading any further - I cannot help you (only the Lord can). If you do agree, then ask yourself this: where do you go for advice? Who do you turn to with your problems? Who do you listen to? Are your advisors wise counselors? Are you willing to give heed to someone else's judgment before your own, even where you disagree?

In my own life, I recently sought advice from a church elder regarding how to handle a situation that I did not feel fully equipped to handle alone. The elder agreed to take over the situation, and my load was greatly decreased for seeking his advice. Other times in my life, I have chosen to follow my own judgment. Sometimes that was wise, and, at other times, it was just stubbornness.

At this stage in my life, however, I take comfort in knowing that I need to be intentionally considering whose judgment is wisest to follow, and the answer is not always mine. It really helps me to get through each day knowing that I am not trying to live my life by my wisdom alone. If you let it, that process will give you comfort. There is an expression that I am fond of: "no man is an island." I think that fits well here. All believers are connected together as the body of Christ. We are the Church - capital "C" - and we work best together. That is how we were made.

UPDATE: See the second article in this series here.